Tuesday, March 17, 2009

#22 No One

To carry on with the things i said yesterday. While through the way home i started to reflect about the differences in life now compared to previous years. And I came to a conclusion that i can't change to the person who i used to be previously. Good or bad news - you decide. I somehow know and have realised that i cannot be the girl i used to be.

I feel so afraid of friends, of reality. I don't know when i can or can't be myself. Who would judge me when i am myself? Who would be next to gossip since they see me happy? Even with friend conversations i don't know whether to be myself or put up the modestest frame a friend should be. I don't know whether they'll judge or accept me? Whether that it'll be the talk of town tomorrow, whether i might just lose that friend because of what i've said/done, for not being that modal friend.

I just am too afraid of reality.
I'm too afraid that I'll be judged/criticized.
I'm afraid that I won't be accepted.

I saw this at someone's facebook
and i thought about how I AM FACING EXACTLY THE SAME THING
I just result in crying, again.

I think I'm going crazy.
Giggling to myself while crying.
Crying myself to sleep every time I'm upset.

I don't exactly know what is it that I'm actually afraid of.
But inside me, I feel like I'm afraid of everyone.
Afraid of what exactly? I don't know.
At the same time, everyone seems so friendly.

Wait.
Reality.
I can't bring myself to accept reality.
It seems that its too harsh.
More like, I'm weak.
Because I see people around me facing that reality bravely.
I'm still dreaming.
When they have overcame it, I'm still afraid to face it.
That is it, isn't it?

I feel as though I'm drifting apart from everyone.
Real life or otherwise.
Maybe I just want to blend in and disappear.

It seems more and more,
that the things I care about the most,
the things that affect me the most... are ignored.
I just want to be here, comfortable, with people who care.

That's all.

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