#40 The Climb

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

Sometimes its songs like these that would keep me going, then I ask myself, "How do i keep the faith?", "How do i not give up?" "How long have I got to endure?" The truth is, I feel like giving up. Or some would say, I've given up. I don't feel the need to keep 'running' around looking for answers. I'm after all a human, who needs tender loving care. That's why I've been so close to breaking point. Why would one cry over an exam paper? Why would I be so 'mind blocked' over and over again? I ask myself why too. Why haven't I be sleeping? Why am I bringing myself to this state?

Today, I got my answers. On my way to school, I prayed and broke down. I knew I wasn't helping myself by adding all the pressure of wanting to do well and consistency of work on myself. I knew that I've back slided in my walk with God (I'm sorry Aunty Jessica) and I've just not been myself. Why have I been crying so easily? Every night before its time to greet Sunshine goodnight, I reflect on the day and cry. Where have I gone wrong? Why does everyday seem to be a torturing one, a day where I jump from mountains to valleys? I always tell myself when I wake up, "Hey, its time you move on. Empty your thoughts because today would be a better day." But it hasn't. Not at all.

History has always been 'easy' because I used to score better in Social Studies but it hit me hard today that, NO! You are not strong in SS already! So what have I to rely on now? I had to face reality - I ain't going to do well. I have dragged not only myself but everyone who believed in me, down. The sense of defeat still lingers around me. I remember telling Mdm Choo, "I feel like I'm walking into battle 3/4s dead, only with an arm left." Honestly. That's how I felt. Tired and empty. That's probably why I've been crying so openly and often and I've been so open to hugs. I prayed this prayer this morning and I let go of all the previous papers that I've been holding onto especially with English & Maths & Chemistry. Well, everything! "Jesus, it is You that would see me through, it is You that would give me the strength to go on, it is You that I'll continue to cling onto. Be with me, let me be able to do this paper, and put a good fight. Let my results glorify no one but You." That was it.

The end shall come. Whether I choose to be in school on Wednesday doesn't really matter but I know whatever my results are, I have done my best. I might have not won the battle but I know, I've gave my best and all the sleep loss and appetite loss would be worth it in the end.

Thank you everyone for the encouragements and the hugs and really the love. Daddy's & Mommy's message and call wouldn't be replaced by any messages. Hearing them push me on always touches my heart. They truly love and care for me. And i do too, including everyone of you. As i leave this site, I'll like to say, "Don't lose hope till its gone, because miracles do happen!" And to those who have been keeping me in prayers either for my recovery or exams, thank you. (: I'll fight, this fight of Faith.

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
Deuteronomy 31:8 (New International Version)