& Where Does My Help Come From?

In many ways, Church Camp 2009 was different. Not only was I heavily involved with Children, I did have a fair part spent with Him. I do know that my classmates/ close friends/ church mates and whoever else would read this but I've decided to be fully transparent despite knowing that there might be certain reactions that might come along after I share this.

What tugged me most in this church camp was on the topic, forgiveness. And how I've been holding grudges and fear before of incidents that might have happened before between groups of people that cause me to not forgive, not forget and to hold grudges instead.

In... 2005, I remember Grace slapping me because I chose not to go for youth camp and she accused me of calling youths, "anti-social" because she claimed that I didn't make the effort to get to know them. Sad to say, from that day onwards, I never gave Youth Ministry another chance, I never saw myself as a part of them. Matters were not resolved and she left church not long after. Thinking about it today, the reason why I, MYSELF, outcast myself in youth is because I was afraid to be one of them, I was afraid to be so cliquish. I came from a different background, I grew up in Agapeland but started serving when I was 11, while they carried on together - all seen as one. I felt out of placed in their meetings and sometimes was too carried away with Agapeland. After church camp, I felt I should take the risk, that step of faith, to open up and give them the chance again. To not just shove Youth aside, saying that after Grace, I'm never stepping back. Afterall, It isn't the Youths fault for being that way, maybe they just don't see themselves that way. But the problem was with ME because I chose to not let go of Grace's inccident, I chose not to forgive her because she I felt that what she did was totally unforgivable.

Another inccident that was very much recent was in 08, over a PE teacher at school. Last year, she wasn't my PE teacher but she confiscated my bands, a minute before the exam which caused me to be a little upset over the whole matter and scolded me for letting my hair down after. I personally felt that, "Yeah, maybe that could have been her job, but is this the right time to conduct this? The ENGLISH paper's starting in a min!" After that incident, well I was afraid of her. Avoiding her and hiding in corners even. I had to face her this year when she became my PE teacher. To be honest here, I've been so scared of her thus I don't appear for her lessons. I'm afraid of what she might think, what she might do or what she might say. It totally frightened me that I just leave. I can't deny that I'm still upset over the incident. I felt that what happened wasn't right, in both positions. But, did things have to go this way? I always believe there are better ways of solving things, has authority have to come to picture? I'm sure she won't humble herself either to apologise due to her "authority" face, but am I going to run away from her and her lessons forever? Am I not going to face reality because of past experiences?

Am i going to blame others for my own shortcomings? Am i going to resist moving on because things of the past have not been settled yet? On the first night, there was a call to pin your "sins" on the cross and to "cancel the debts". I didn't make my way to the front, because I was held back with the little ones, But I did make a commitment. A commitment to cancel away the debts that I feel others owe me.

My two greatest fear and struggle is actually to forgive and also to not worry and get anxious that much. I made a commitment, to forgive these people, to let go of the debts they owe me and to renew the chances. To give a chance to be part of youth, to give a chance @ PE. It is going to be tough, but I have chosen to let go of the "debts", and also that whatever that happens in the future - I'm ready to accept it. Things might not go right, but I'm willing to give it a second chance. There might be other experiences where people may ask for forgiveness that I feel I should not accept, it would be times like these and such experiences that I'll remember. I wouldn't hold grudges, but I will learn to love. I would learn to take things and words lightly. Hopefully I'll change, with His help & my effort. I'm ready to change. I decided I would also stop the worrying anxiety in me and to pray and always commit everything into His hands and to have faith in Him that He'll help me and see me through. I WILL change.

& He's always going to be God!
Both now & forever more.