& Where Does My Help Come From?

In many ways, Church Camp 2009 was different. Not only was I heavily involved with Children, I did have a fair part spent with Him. I do know that my classmates/ close friends/ church mates and whoever else would read this but I've decided to be fully transparent despite knowing that there might be certain reactions that might come along after I share this.

What tugged me most in this church camp was on the topic, forgiveness. And how I've been holding grudges and fear before of incidents that might have happened before between groups of people that cause me to not forgive, not forget and to hold grudges instead.

In... 2005, I remember Grace slapping me because I chose not to go for youth camp and she accused me of calling youths, "anti-social" because she claimed that I didn't make the effort to get to know them. Sad to say, from that day onwards, I never gave Youth Ministry another chance, I never saw myself as a part of them. Matters were not resolved and she left church not long after. Thinking about it today, the reason why I, MYSELF, outcast myself in youth is because I was afraid to be one of them, I was afraid to be so cliquish. I came from a different background, I grew up in Agapeland but started serving when I was 11, while they carried on together - all seen as one. I felt out of placed in their meetings and sometimes was too carried away with Agapeland. After church camp, I felt I should take the risk, that step of faith, to open up and give them the chance again. To not just shove Youth aside, saying that after Grace, I'm never stepping back. Afterall, It isn't the Youths fault for being that way, maybe they just don't see themselves that way. But the problem was with ME because I chose to not let go of Grace's inccident, I chose not to forgive her because she I felt that what she did was totally unforgivable.

Another inccident that was very much recent was in 08, over a PE teacher at school. Last year, she wasn't my PE teacher but she confiscated my bands, a minute before the exam which caused me to be a little upset over the whole matter and scolded me for letting my hair down after. I personally felt that, "Yeah, maybe that could have been her job, but is this the right time to conduct this? The ENGLISH paper's starting in a min!" After that incident, well I was afraid of her. Avoiding her and hiding in corners even. I had to face her this year when she became my PE teacher. To be honest here, I've been so scared of her thus I don't appear for her lessons. I'm afraid of what she might think, what she might do or what she might say. It totally frightened me that I just leave. I can't deny that I'm still upset over the incident. I felt that what happened wasn't right, in both positions. But, did things have to go this way? I always believe there are better ways of solving things, has authority have to come to picture? I'm sure she won't humble herself either to apologise due to her "authority" face, but am I going to run away from her and her lessons forever? Am I not going to face reality because of past experiences?

Am i going to blame others for my own shortcomings? Am i going to resist moving on because things of the past have not been settled yet? On the first night, there was a call to pin your "sins" on the cross and to "cancel the debts". I didn't make my way to the front, because I was held back with the little ones, But I did make a commitment. A commitment to cancel away the debts that I feel others owe me.

My two greatest fear and struggle is actually to forgive and also to not worry and get anxious that much. I made a commitment, to forgive these people, to let go of the debts they owe me and to renew the chances. To give a chance to be part of youth, to give a chance @ PE. It is going to be tough, but I have chosen to let go of the "debts", and also that whatever that happens in the future - I'm ready to accept it. Things might not go right, but I'm willing to give it a second chance. There might be other experiences where people may ask for forgiveness that I feel I should not accept, it would be times like these and such experiences that I'll remember. I wouldn't hold grudges, but I will learn to love. I would learn to take things and words lightly. Hopefully I'll change, with His help & my effort. I'm ready to change. I decided I would also stop the worrying anxiety in me and to pray and always commit everything into His hands and to have faith in Him that He'll help me and see me through. I WILL change.

& He's always going to be God!
Both now & forever more.

#30 Good Friday & Easter

Many a times especially in these years, people have forgotten the real meaning of Good Friday, the real meaning behind Easter. It's just the, "I want Easter Bunnies!" kind of conversations that you would have with one another. But have you realised the reality of things? If Good Friday had never taken place, we wouldn't be standing on Earth today, forgiven and free. It is by His blood that we have been cleansed from our Sins and we know we have something to look forward to after we leave our Earthly Land.

Personally Good Friday has a special meaning to me, other than all the stories we here about how amazing Jesus can die on the cross and resurrection on the cross. Since a young age, my parents would always remind me that it's not about the chocolate Easter eggs or the public holiday but it's about Jesus, Our God. Thus even till today, when its Good Friday, I still take time reflecting about what Good Friday and Easter means to me, and that's what I'm going to share. Why don't we try placing ourselves in Jesus' shoes, how would you feel if you knew that your closest loved ones are going to betray and deny you, not once but thrice? How would you feel if you knew what is going to happen to you tomorrow – that you are going to be crucified on the cross, not for yourself but for others?

If I'm in His shoes I would have many, many questions that I would want an answer. Why would I have to be the one that would have to die, if I'm totally innocent and pure? Why would I have to be grouped with a group of sinners when I'm flawless? Why is it me that is suffering and being mocked at when the people mocking me should be the one at my place? Why. Why. Why. Why. Why!

But through it all, I always thank God for saving me, for paying for my sins and for giving me an eternal life. Where would I be today if not for Him? Would I be standing testifying his goodness in my life? I was born into a Christian house, but many loved ones aren't Christians, would I be able to share the goodness of God to them? There is many times where I've seen God's hand in my life. He has brought me through man, both easy and tough circumstances. He has been my shelter, my best friend, the person I would run to SO often. Even times when I stray away, i would suddenly feel a sense of guilt for neglecting my devotionals and come back. I guess my life has changed for the better because of Him in me.

His faithfulness is so real to me. Every time when I feel down and 'out', He never fails to be there for me and I always am able to hang on to His Word and speak it into my life. When I'm feeling so afraid and upset there's always a someone that would be there helping me through. Other than my close circle, not many know that I actually pray before entering every class/break. Especially if I'm lagging behind or the work is not done or I just feel so drained and energy less to carry on, He always comforts and strengthens me. When just a centimeter to the door I say, "Jesus, help! I need to make it through, alive and well.' There are so many times – be it in school, home or at church, I see his faithfulness. I've learnt to have Faith in Him and lean on him completely for the strength to carry on.

It is because of Him, I have the chance to live today. It is because of Him that I'm forgiven and free. He's so special to me, someone that would never leave nor forsake me, even if the world turns away from me, I know He would be with me and carry me through, just like what He has been doing in my life. When I only see darkness, He brings the light. Sometimes I wonder, what's the future going to be like? Has Gods' Will been revealed yet in my life? But at the end of the day I know that my job now as a student is to work hard and bring Him all the glory that my life would become a testimony for Him. This Good Friday and Easter, take time to reflect on Gods' goodness in your life. We might be too busy with our daily busy schedules to even realise that He is the one who gives you the strength and courage to move on. He's the one who gives you a new day to begin with. He's the One that surrounds you with people that love you. He didn't have to pay the price for us; it is us that should be on the cross. But He has paid the price for us all. Why don't you take time to thank Him for sacrificing Himself and for being so faithful to us?

Jesus, even as I've taken time to reflect on Your goodness in my life, I want to thank You for being ever so present through everything I do. For dying on the cross for me, for forgiving me time and time again even if I stray away, You still welcome me back home. Thank You for blessing me abundantly with loving parents and family, friends and people around me. Daddy God, there is so many things that I can thank You for but even as its Good Friday, Thank you for showing me how much You love and care for me, that my life would never be the same again because You live in me. My Daddy God is just an amazing One!

Before I end off this post I would like to share two songs lyrics that are really very meaningful during this season:

It Wasn't Easy:

Don't think for a moment
I never felt the pain
You can't imagine
The hurt and the shame
They put the nails through my hands
Pierced my side, please understand
It wasn't easy, but it was worth it



It wasn't easy, it wasn't easy
It wasn't easy but it was worth it
It wasn't easy, it wasn't easy
It wasn't easy but it was worth it


I didn't have to do it
But I did it anyway
'cause I really love you
So much I took your place
I died for your sins
Yes I'm the one
Don't take it lightly
What I've done
It wasn't easy, but it was worth it


I left my throne
My purpose was the cross
Shed innocent blood
I paid all cost

So You Would Come

Before the world began
You were on His mind
And every tear you cry
Is precious in His eyes
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Nothing you can do
Could make Him love you more
And nothing that you've done
Could make Him close the door
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Come to the Father
Though your gift is small
Broken hearts, broken lives
He will take them all
The power of the Word
The power of His blood
Everything was done
So you would come

#27 Literature

In the beginning, many knew that I didn't quite enjoy Literature. In my lower secondary days, I even misplaced the "Singapore Short stories" just days before the exam and didn't even bother getting a new one. In Secondary 2, well that's how i started to change my perspective of Literature. But when it came to exams, I didn't know how to answer questions and felt that it was so difficult to score in Literature compared to other subjects like D&T or History. When it came to 2009 and when we started "Off Centre" my whole world probably knew i disliked the book totally. The way it was written, with the weird and awful Singapore slag, the awful language and the 'uncalled' for vulgarities. I didn't like it. And at that point, the book didn't make any sense to me. It had 5 scenes but not all of them were related to the previous scene. It was just something totally new. I felt a little out of place in class because this isn't my 'usual' class.

This week, everything has changed. From lessons to the book to Literature - everything. I had 3 lessons this week, which made learning easier because i didn't forget the lessons as quickly as I would usually do. (Whoopsy, i know this is a bad habit and I've got to do something about it!) But it is also through this week's lessons where i understood the whole idea of Literature. It is not a 'read & analyse properly and then write the longest essay' but it Literature is actually helping you to be a better person, to be different from the crowd, to make a difference in someone's life.

Off Centre is a play on how mad people have been discriminated in the society just because they are not like us, the 'centre' people. And because of that, they are treated differently from how we are being treated by our fellow humans. They are being taken advantage of, and not even given a chance to prove themselves that they can be able to fit into the society or at least try to fit in. We don't even give them a chance in our society. We expect them to be no one successful, we find it strange if we see them in top schools or universities because we feel that they don't deserve a place in our world. We just out cast them and leave them by the corner thinking hopefully they'll fan for themselves. THAT SOMEONE ELSE would do the duty of taking care of them, it just CANNOT be us. Why? Because we'll lose our 'face' to others if we chose to help them.

What happens if their parents feel the same way too? What happens if the people who they think loves them has the same idea about them too? On Friday, I stayed on to watch the full play, I wanted to know what the ending would be like, even though I've read the book thrice, the screened play was full of emotions and feelings. As the show ended, it made me feel a little upset with the way we are as humans, if we put ourselves in their shoes would we like it to feel discriminated by the rest of the crowd because we're mad? Would we like it to just sit at home all day till your last breath because you can do nothing? Because no one accepts you? No one wants to give you a chance in the society because you might not prosper their business?

Have you ever felt that maybe these people just needs a hug or assurance that everything's going to be fine? They are humans after all and I myself need that to survive almost everyday. Have you ever thought that these people just needs your support to take their best foot forward into the society? That they need someone like YOU to help them, to love them, to accept them? I'm not saying that we should all pity them and go around hugging every mad person tomorrow, but we shouldn't behave like how we are behaving today. If we create jobs for them, we take advantage of them. We make them feel fearful of the society. We just don't want to have any relation with them. We are fearful that they might harm us, because they are not like normal humans. So we simply look down on them.

If you realised, I'm using the word, "we" instead of "they" because to some extent, i too am guilty of this. I have fallen short in some areas and i hope by sharing my experience in leading a better life would not only encourage you to lead a better one but also spread the word to love everyone, just like how Jesus loves us despite our sins and failures.

One of Agapeland's song might ring a bell to many, "If you're black or if you're white, God loves you, If you're tall or if you're short or lean, God loves you, He loves you when you're happy, He loves you when you're sad. He loves you when you're good or when you're very bad. No matter what you look like, no matter what you do, God loves you."

It doesn't say, You the normal person. No. Not at all. If Jesus can love everyone of us, then why is it so difficult for us to love someone who isn't classified as normal in our eyes? Well to me, I always discriminated them and didn't one to have anything to do with them because i was fearful. Fearful of them. Thoughts like, " I want to be with people who are normal, who behave normally...", "What happens if i go and say hi and suddenly she takes out a knife from her bag?", "What would my friends think if they see me hanging around with someone who's mad?", "What happens if i get their "disease" and turn mad too?" The last can go on & on. I was just too fearful. It felt strange, weird, to go befriend them. Some don't speak well, super loudly and might not be able to understand what you are saying, so i decided then. To just give up the whole idea of mixing around with mad people.

Such thoughts were not right at all, I know i was just giving excuses to cover up the fact that i just didn't want to have anything to do with them. After Literature on Friday, i realised how mean i've been by just simply discriminating them when they are trying their best to be 'normal' but can't control themselves. I decided to change. On Friday night, i had a long bus journey home which set me thinking on how i could be a blessing to others, to give them support, to know that there would be people like me in the society how care and love them even though sometimes i don't know how to do so.

There's this girl who lives a floor above me, she just moved in recently. And she was the first that came to my mind. I remember our first 'meeting' she was staring at me blankly and analysing me from head to toe. (It was at 6.30 in the morning when i was on my way to school)I felt scared. Other than Kashken & I and Her (Sarah), there wasn't anyone else. My parents were waiting for us in the car. Kashken was showing the "can we quickly get out before she does something funny" face. And I didn't make her feel any comfortable either because i too showed the same expression.

Two days later, this time Mom & I met her in the lift. We have 24 floors to get down together. I was holding on to my water bottle, the Pink'S' bottle, when she saw it, she took off her bag from her shoulders opened her bag to find for her own water bottle which somehow happened to be the same. She found something common between me and herself. She began to smile. She no longer spent the minutes in the lift analysing me from head to toe, but started telling me her name, Sarah. So i too started to cool down and said, 'Hello Sarah, I'm Tashka. Yes, we have the same waterbottle, i think you should keep it now, we're at the first story already.' She smiled and waved goodbye as we parted at the lift landing. Honestly, that made my day. Just the smile she showed me which was full of acceptance made me realise how easily she has found a connection with me and how different she has become compared to the time i first saw her when she stared at me blankly.

This morning, i saw her again. Surprisingly, she was the first to say hello. I replied saying hello, Sarah. A minute later she started looking for my water bottle which she had found a connection with. I quickly told her that oh that water bottle broke during my maths class thus I'd to get a new water bottle. And this is it. She still remembered me and asked me about school and how my school was compared to her's. After the conversation and parting i realised so much more.

Since i already felt that i want to befriend the friendless (someone like her), I started to think about how her life would be like when she goes out to the world. And i somehow didn't understand why humans like us just discriminate them just like that. She reminds me so much of the character, "Saloma" in "Off Centre" because i'm certain she would be bullied, taken advantage of and not given a chance in the society. And that is what hurts me the most as i think about it. She is a nice girl, but hardly anyone would accept her.

It is us, the current generation that can change the lives of these people. We can slowly but surely make a difference in their lives like how this girl has made a difference to mine. We can chose to treat people like them with love and acceptance. We can change our minds, as young as we are so that we can slowly accept them back into our society and give them a chance to be treated like how a normal human would be treated. Let's learn to accept and love everyone despite our differences. Don't discriminate anyone because we all deserve chances. Whether we're normal or not, we are all still considered Humans.

In Rappers Against Racism, "I want to know what love is", it is a song on Racism but in other words you can look at the songs as about discrimination. Listen to the lyrics and question yourself, What is love? What is love about?

I wanna know what love is, I want you to show me (oh, show me yeah!)
I wanna feel what love is, I know you can show me,
Why?
Could you tell me what love is?
Uh, could you tell me what love is?
Why?
Could you tell me what love is?

What about life and the prayin´
We people gotta stop all the hate and the shame that we´re bringin´
We´re all the same, we all feel pain
some uf us don´t even know what we remain
This is the life, the life that we´re livin´
With a little respect, we should all be givin´
So here comes the question, no rics or doubt:
Can you tell me what love is and what it´s about?

With love,
Tashka.

#26 4th Student Council Investiture

A leader is some one who has the ability to inspire others to achieve tasks and goals that they might not other wise be capable of reaching.

Leadership is great men and women with certain preferred traits influencing followers to do what the leaders wish in order to achieve group/organizational goals that reflect excellence defined as some kind of higher level effectiveness.

Wednesday marked my last year, as a councillor. In a way or two, it also marks the end of my council journey. I guess after everything, council still has become a part of me. My council life was never a bed of roses, i remember times where i would get so fed up about council and have no drive anymore, but just that Wednesday as i looked back on my journey has a councillor, i believe it has all been worthwhile.

From those happy moments to the selfless service moments and to the crashing down moments, i've been through everything. I was involved in the first P6 invitation, led the 2nd P6 invitation on my own, ushered, recess duty, morning assembly duty, Sec1 Orientations in all my council years, Council Board planning and the last one - Council Room planning, which is still on going.

Through these council years, I honestly have learnt a lot, not only about myself or my team mates but also learn qualities that might be able to take me far in life. I admit, i'm a silent reader. I might not be like the powerful kind with strong influence but i know, i'm someone who reads through situations and decide on the next move.

It is through council where i can say, my true friends are formed. Friends that care for me, support and trust me. It is through council where i felt the sense of belonging in school. Mister Low once shared with me that in all ways, the school leaders and teachers love me for being the school fan, in other words the school ambassador. The friends i met in council not only molded me but thought me to look at things from a different perspective and to remain positive all the time. Sometimes, i can never imagine what my life would be revolving on, if not for council. Yes, i would be a student, but would I be as active as in CCA? Would I be able to have the chance to take leadership? Would i be able to have the chance to show my gratitude and appreciation to KuoChuan? Would i get the chance to get to know more friends and teachers better? Would I ever have the courage to step into the matter and say, 'Stop, we're going the wrong direction'. My answer would be, Nope.

In Primary School, I began to fear teachers and soon after, i was just protected in my own shell, running back to it every time i sense danger. But now, even though at times i still fear, i know that there are always people around me to comfort me.

Thankyou, 4th Student Council,
It has been a milestone, recorded in my life book.

#21 Last Breath

I need the helicopters to locate and rescue me, quick.
Would you be my helicopter?

#14 Where is your heart?

Hypocrite:
1. a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, esp. a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.

2. a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, esp. one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.

I've been wanting to post such a post for sometime now. I feel so useless because i can't understand 1/2 the things that go on in a day of my life. Sometimes the reason for me being so quiet and what some might call, 'shy' is because i like to observe how the people around me behave. Not that they're committing something wrong but i like to see how their character's like. How they actually treat the people around them. And I've realised so much. So much that i thought its time i share.

Maybe this post is going to be very lopped sided because its honestly just based on a few groups of people. Looking back at the way they behave, i can be brought to tears. Let's just start by saying, i've always been in my comfort zone or rather it has taken me awhile to realise about how the outside world is like. I just love the happy endings between my group of circle that when i was sent to the outside world a season ago, and saw the in justice that can be done to a person. I never imagined humans to have such a character. And i guess the only reason why i felt that way was because i never witnessed such inccidents before, my eyes only witnessed happy circumstances. It was through the inccident of 'gothchick' that i slowly learnt they hey, there are people out there on Earth who are out to harm. Its just by the way they think and look at things and i remember very clearly what MissAmy mentioned, 'You might have not neccesarily done something wrong that they hate you, its just because they just have 'nothing-better-to-do' other than to hate you.

Through that, I began to see things in a different light. I finally knew what the world was like, sometimes (in my heart) i wonder why i was even placed here, what was God's Will on my life? What's my purpose on Earth? Then again, I'm trusting God. I might still be young with a unclear future but I've come to terms with the fact that most humans are two faced, are hypocritical. In other words, we're hypocrites. We speak one thing, we do another. Our words don't match our actions. And before i carry on, I'm not saying i'm not guilty of any of these. I understand its human nature to do things this way. But, i can say one thing. I control myself. I know where to draw the line and i think before i speak, most of the time. That's the difference. So if you happen to read this, don't say, 'Oh you're just a Saint and that's how Saints should behave, NO!' I'm not trying to say that. I just want to pen down my thoughts and feeling about this whole issue of 'two-facedness' because i think it has crossed the limits. I've observed it long enough.

Call yourself a Christian or rather a person running after God's heart, but take a look at your actions instead. To gain a friendship, you curse/swear and gossip (all your teeth can even fall) all through lessons, do you give a thought about what the people around you would think of you and your actions? Is this called, being a role model for Christ? First, you snatch my closest friend away, then my clique, you leave me speechless but i'm silent. Thoughts are springing from the whithin, wanting to spill it out, but no. I'll never do that. For life, I'll live with a regret that i never have the courage to tell people how i feel about them, have no courage to tell them to stop what they're doing, have no courage to tell them them, 'hey look at what you've made things like. I never have the courage to do so and i result to bottling everything up. Keep doing that, over and over again, and what happens when i can't take it any longer? Breakdown.

I don't like the way you do things, how you spend your time gossiping about teachers just to gain a friendship from a lost friend, what wrong has the teacher done that you have to speak so poorly of her? Why do you have to curse/swear at everthing about her? Why be so heartless when the teacher cares about you, so much? Where's the basic respect for a teacher or someone older than you? If you probably read this you'll go, 'Ya lah, Teacher's pet'. I'm sure, but i really feel so disturbed because i respect the teacher. And i feel, you should have the basic respect for her and not treat a teacher like that. If that's someone your age, it doesn't matter as much. But you don't seem to care at all. You think its so cool to speak like that to higher authorities? What are you trying to achieve? 'Do unto others what you want others to do unto you.' , 'Speak unto others what you want others to speak unto you.' Its the same principle behind.

I'll be praying, for a change. No one can open your eyes to see things that you choose not to see, except Him. Only He can intervene and cause a change in you. The day would soon come when your eyes would see the flaws of yourself. I somehow, can't for that day. Its time for you to change, Vivien. I care for you, that's why i've even taken this time to share with you what i feel.

--
Don't you see the link? What has happened to me awhile ago and how MissAmy has taught me to see through those circumstances and now, when it happens to a different individual i know how to react. I know how they feel and I understand why they feel that way. I see the same things common. Its a time again, when i can never thank Miss Amy enough. Where would I be, if that sense wasn't knocked into me?