#48 Separation Anxiety

I so feel this way, 80% of the time. This year has personally been a struggle. A huge struggle to face reality, to come out of my shell and also to take the step of faith to trust God that He'll see me through. In all years, I've been hanging onto Him the most this year. Times have changed, because of the pressure and circumstances I've been facing, I myself have changed. Even before I share, I would like to apologise especially to the close ones around me. I know that it is as difficult for you as it is for me when many of my loved ones see me in the state I'm currently in. I know I've been a little not myself, crying everyday, looking out of the window for long hours just stoning, not eating nor sleeping. I'm sorry to have to trouble everyone over and over again because there were many times when I didn't feel like moving on ans just stood still.

It has been exhausting because I don't know where I'm heading yet too afraid of who to seek help from because I don't know who I can trust and who would be there for me if i call for help. So i chose to bottle everything up but as it hardens and overflows, I breakdown. I cry too often and easily now. I was just looking back upon life and questioned myself what actually caused me to become this way?

What has happened to me? I used to smile and really mean it, I used to laugh at life and move on easily but now? Putting a smile or laughing it off is SO hard, and if i actually do it, the truth is - its just a pretense, so that many would not suspect something amiss or wrong. As i prayed, I began to question God. I suddenly realised the reason for me to have come to this state was because Ive truly become very fearful that I'll lose someone dear having lost many. The reason why I've been crying so much is because I've been feeling the emptiness, an empty heart because I'm unsure of who to hold dear, in fear that history might repeat itself over and over again. I hate going through it over and over again. It exhausts me, it affects me totally.

Then why? Why does He always make this happen to me? Why is it that once I feel comfortable with someone, soon enough departure takes place. That's the reason why I totally hate to bid farewell and always get so affected by it. That's why I always am afraid to be close to someone in case the person leaves.

In 2006, Secondary 1, I began comfortable with Tamil because I was always encouraged and motivated by Mr Kassim. He never failed to motivate me, be it in front of the class or privately he always assured me that I'm a great achiever because he sees the potential to shine in me. I slowly opened up and began comfortable with him. Coming from a horrible primary school and by stepping into secondary school with a phobia of teachers, I always smiled when i met him. I didn't have to look at the walls around him, I was able to look him straight in the eye when I needed help. He was always willing to give whatever he could give just to make sure I feel special. 4 years have passed, I still contact him and I do think about him.
Sometimes to tears because Tamil would be so much better today, if he was the one who taught it. I wouldn't blame him though, I'll still chose to thank him for being such a encourager. Someone who carved my journey in life. As he left, I began to feel so helpless because I really needed to feel accepted for being myself, someone who makes mistakes, frequently. But as i did, I remember always being scolded for not trying but deep inside, I felt I was trying. Times like these, I wanted him back to encourage me again, but I was all alone, hoping to break free from this danger. The day soon arrived when i met someone equally special in 2007.

Secondary 2, and that was Ms Tay. Because of the happenings of Secondary 1 i felt awful in Secondary 2 because I didn't understand why I had to be running this where the end wasn't close AT ALL, I was afraid of school because I couldn't be myself. I always had to fix my eyes on how a role-modal of a student is like and try my best to be up to that standard. After trying and trying and not taking care of myself, I fell sick and it started cycles of treatment, from clinics to doctors to hospitals to A&E. I remember needles, pain, sleepless nights, waking up facing more pain, wondering whether I'll make it through the day. And if school became a possibility that day - how to survive school? How to face the tests, trails & limits? It was because of all these, I slowly developed on the inside. I told myself that if I don't stop bottling up and continue this way, I won't get any better.
The first person I opened up to was Ms Tay. She was super nice to me, I remember being very scared but slowly I began to trust her. She was always helping me, by both talking to me and also helping me with Science. I remember one night I was at A&E and YingYng was with me too and then I was reminded of the test the next day and I felt horrible because firstly, I'm here instead of home studying and secondly, YingYng is beside me, She's just wasting her time here! And then i received a message from MsTay telling me not to worry about tomorrow's test. She probably didn't know my condition or where I was but her kindness and thoughtfulness would be something I would always remember. It was through her that I realised that not all teachers are as cruel as I see them to be.



In 2008, things changed again. Ms Tay was no longer my teacher. When i decided to move on, I was confronted with so much more. This time, I made sure I face them, even facing them alone, I would agree to. SO many more things happened - friends changed ( we wern't as close anymore) , class changed, subjects were tougher, I lost meaning in life. On the 17th of March I openly revealed in 1 of my worksheets of my hatred towards the things I was going through. It was by accident but i was because of that, I met someone else who became so special to me.
Surprisingly, I just open up so easily to her and to me, she always seemed to be "god-sent" because every time I cry out to Him, She'll be somewhere round that corner. She encourages me, She motivates me and she accepts me for who I am and that's what I'm most thankful for. I enjoyed her company and to know that I could be myself around her made me feel thankful because I rarely get the chance to be. Thank you my Superwoman, Ms Foo was always being there for me time and time again, and wasting your time on me and also allowing me to be the real me without judging me. Thank you for encouraging and motivating me, thank you for always rendering help when I need it, thank you for being that someone special to me.
Times have changed, I've been trying to move on but sometimes it gets hard knowing that we hardly anymore cross paths this year, that we don't have many frequent conversations and that sometimes its hard not to miss you because of how special you are to me. Thank you for being that special someone.


Even as I type my last paragraph, It really turns saddening because I question myself why is it that He has placed so many special people in my life but just as I get to know them and slowly be comfortable and open up to them, they leave for a new direction. Just answer me, Why?

In 2009, I got to know more friendly adults. And i slowly began to feel super comfortable with her. She's Sunshine - I nicknamed her that because I never seen a time when she doesn't smile. Even when times are bad and stressful, there's still smiles and more smiles. I play with her, I go crazy too. She is someone that makes everyone happy just by simple actions. It was because of her, I saw the hidden meaning of Literature, the way others might not see it. It was because of her, I saw the world differently, the world no longer became a "happily ever after" in my eyes. She has been nice, walking me through things I'm unsure about and always helping me get through situations.



To every special one up in this post, thank you. Thank you for giving me a chance, a chance to be myself. Thank you for being there for me and helping me time & time again. Thank you for encouraging and motivating me to always do my best and never think about quitting, thank you for allowing me to be me. Times have changed, some are leaving, others have left, some are still around but in a different environment but at the end of the day, even if i question why - I miss everyone of you, very very very much. I miss the times I had together with you.

I guess I really am suffering from Separation Anxiety,
would i ever get such a chance to be myself ever again?

#45 Five Things You Need To Know About Ms Amy!

FIVE THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MS AMY / MRS CHAN

1 – She started the Student Council in KCPSS!

So councillors its time to thank her if not we won't be having so much fun in it because it would not have existed without her. Thank you Ms Amy!

2 - She always smiles :)

Sometimes it's hard to figure out whether she's irritated with the class or whether she's happy - despite it being the last periods of the day

3 – She hardly/never gets angry but when she is, She really is!

We've only witnessed her angry once, in March 2008. She doesn't get angry often but when she is "hohoho. – beware!" But she's still as approachable.

4 – She's an extra ordinary teacher!

She has lessons after lessons, meetings& meetings&MOREmeetings , marking & more marking but she still has time to talk to her students and do unusual stuff!

5 – Her lessons are unusual

Totally! :) Maybe that's why we think Literature's fun and interesting! We go anywhere under the name of "Literature" to learn - from the classrooms to the Esplanade to Jubilee Hall to UK! Lessons in class's are one of the kind, with happy faces, food, fun & laughter, which class can be better than Ms Amy's Literature class?

--

Literature teacher,
You've really been an awesome one. I'm so blessed to have had you as my Literature teacher for 1.5 years. You might be physically "replaced" by another teacher but one thing's for sure, You'll still be that awesome literature teacher in my heart and nothing would "replace" that place that is always yours. :) Love you!

Tashka.

#43 Over

Before I start with the rambling, I placed my achieves back. After all, blogging as become a place for me to pen down my thoughts all over again, and look back at the memories once in a while. I'm happy with this blog, I get to pen down my thoughts but not many would realise how i feel. I feel more protected here, I feel that I can express myself better here, I can be the real Tashka. All my drafts have been posted, thus the number scheme is all wrong. This is the 43rd post, but my number might not follow it because I had about 12 drafts written, just was a bit cautious about posting it, but I've released all of it now. So many posts that I might seem new in my achieves!

Secondly, Common Tests are over! It had been the most eventful CTs I'd say - it really tore me out, many times. It was really scary because I didn't find myself trying to move on but really stuck and just helpless, thus resulting in the sudden out pour of tears time and time again. I'm really sorry if I have been really temperamental and feeling mountain-ly to valleys to moodless to tears and the cycle reverses and repeats over and over again. I'm really sorry. I'm glad its over. Glad to say, I've moved on. Thanks to everyone for always helping me and also praying along with me and helping me to trust Him and allow Him to take care of the rest. Everyone - Sunshine, Dharishini, Mdm Choo, Mrs Lim, Sarah, Alex, Valerie, Sonja, Daniel, KeHui, Clarissa. I remember every hug and work spoken to me. And prayers too. It was a difficult time especially after English and the rest like how i couldn't bring myself to go and do the Biology paper. It was a tough time.

But everything changed, when I heard this from the ones that love me the most. And I always remember this because they were the ones that dried my tears with the hug and encouragements.

"Even if you get a zero or a hundred, We love you all the same. Daddy & Mama knows that you have done your best, so the results don't matter to us. We love you. "

And i choose to thank God for Daddy & Mama, and for bringing me through.
I love you, both.

#36 & I'm still travelling on this road cause of You

HAPPY 85th BIRTHDAY TO MY DEAREST SCHOOL!

The last and best Founders' Day at Kuo Chuan. I still would believe its days like such that will make you feel proud to be a KCPian and also where you feel a great sense of belonging towards the school even though sometimes I can say so directly, "you know what, this school spells yucks." I've grown up in KCP, journeyed through Founders' Day 10 times! Time has flew past, it doesn't seem like it has been 10 years but how am i trying to kid? In other words you can say I've been a KCPian all my life and would always be one.

This years' founders' day theme is " Celebrating His Goodness, Sharing His Blessings" and to be honest, I don't think Founders Day ever meant something to me. It was just an unusual day full of speeches and a day to showcase how great the school is when sometimes I wondered how on earth can the school be THAT great.

But my impression and everything else has changed. I was having lunch with Sunshine during my free period on Wednesday, and she casually questioned me, "Are you proud to be a KCPian? Are you happy to be one?" I had a weird reaction and replied, "What do you think? How many times have i complained to you about how horrid KCPians are?, Maybe a little, that's all." It dawned on me later that many years down the road, when i tell my children where I was from, I would say i'm a 10 year KCPian, and whether at that time KCP is a great school or some gangster school or a school that no longer exists depends on us now.

During Tamil, Mr Kalai insisted that since it was Founders' Day we are to relax and not do any work and also because the next day's Labour Day. So he showed us clips after clips and the first one was on Founders' Day and about the school's achievements so far. We were the first few to watch it because it was to be shown at Mr Low's talk later. And goodness! It was fantastic! It was as if successes after successes, all the golds! & even gold with honors! God really has blessed the school so abundantly, and when i saw the video i replied Sunshine, "You know what - I'm proud to be a KCPian, really. Look at how much God has blessed our school man!" God has been good, really.

During Mr Low's talk, it was indeed wonderful. Sang and sang and sang, everyone was singing super loudly, worshiping Him especially with "Forever God is Faithful, Forever God is with us" song, I was totally :OO. Followed after was the cake cutting ceremony and the Birthday song, which totally rocked because I feel KCPians know how to rise to occasions - everyone was cheering, clapping, singing! The school song was sung, SUPER LOUDLY! Every Monday when you hear the school song you'll only hear thr choir sing but this time, we couldn't even hear the CD being played! The Benediction was great too,

You wouldn't know how great the whole event was unless you were part of it watching, but it defintely was a great and memorable one. The best in 4 years! God has been good to everyone of us! Have a blessed Founders' Day and let's pray that there would be many more to come! :)

Here's a video on Founders' Day
Thank God for the wonderful leaders, teachers, classmates, friends.
Without them, you'll be nothing.

#35 Agapeland's Typical Day

Let's do a little preview to how Sunday Class is like:

This makes me happy! :)

My Favourite Boy! :D
I'm Aaron and i love yumyum time, :))

I'm always full of expressions, but i still love food the most!

Jiejie loves to take pictures of me, so i should smile for her!

Spiderboy!
I'm Nathan the Spiderboy!
"Spiderboy's not with me because food's more important!"

He's the BigBoy now, I joined Agapeland when he was a baby, now he's 5!
I'm Ethan.

I'm the shy girl who hardly smiles,
I'm Vivienne!

The Little Monster's here!
I'm Xavier. I love Garfield. :)
I graduated from your class though.

Am i to smile?
I'm Joshua, I'm a little shy though.

Hello, It's me again.
Full of smiles!

Agapeland's always full of surprises,
Tashka has been caught by one!
She was once an Agapeland-er, a helper and now teaching herself. :)

Aunty Lily! She's Tashka's leader.
Always ready to help!
Aunty Serene's on my right. :)

Best Of Friends!
They make Agapeland happier! :))

So here you have it,
A toddlers' class at Agapeland.
Not a full class though, cannot take pictures of all 16 of them,
only the ones who are closer to me would say hello to you, :)

More photos of others, next time!

Ethan and Xavier's graduated.
Big boys now. :)
Kind of miss Ethan's presence in class though.
He always has many many questions to ask!

Aaron would always be my favourite,
the one that's very sticky to me too.
Whoopsy, Isabel's very jealous of that!

Sundays always becomes a happy day
because of these little buddles of joy!

#34 Sunshine

I can't remember much about this week. Maybe i should start writing down what happens everyday so that i would be able to keep track of them. Oh wells. I guess life's very mundane to actually have a say about it? Just work, work, more work and tests to complete. I wonder how i actually fared for biology. I really am stuck, why does the syllabus feel so complex so suddenly? Physics seems to be a better option because its linked to maths now but wait? I can't even do maths properly, would I be able to do physics? Speaking of maths, i think i owe MrsTay lots of worksheets. Oh man. :( I still can't do vectors!

Anyways, Sunshine is the bomb! :) Sunshine would always make me happy when times are Gray. The day actually started out badly. Halfway through PE i was sent over to MsAlsagoff and she made me drink water with 4 packets of sugar in it. I replied with a smile, "Ms Alsagoff if i don't faint, I'll die of diabetes. She still forced me too anyways since i insisted I wouldn't agree to going home. Sarah was laughing her head off with me with my very positive replies that i answered to MsAlsagoff. Anyways, I'm fine. I was quite actually. The lack of sleep is probably getting into me and the close to late for school and then missing breakfast and since lunch comes only at 430, don't quite have a choice? Oh wells, so I had to have the sugary stuff and then was allowed back into class. Halfway through, i guess in my fearfulness i was touching my handphone screen and to my horror, i was calling Sarah who had a colour me tone and it went on speaker! I was like super scared she'll confiscate my phone but she didn't do any of those, thankfully.

After Literature, bumped around at CCA. It was honestly a total waste of time because we've done it before. Well i guess it was more for the juniors? Can't we step down? Took out my work to do with Tiffany when i met my Sunshine. All smiles already. Tiffany held her back because of her overdue homework which meant that I could play around with her more. Sunshine helped me with my Biology homework which was due on Tuesday but i probably dragged it even longer. I could actually understand and do it! SUPER HAPPY! Sunshine rocks, super a lot. Biology was finally done. I was so happy that i restricted her from leaving. Tiffany was super shocked that I actually held on to her hands preventing her from going until she said that we'll have dinner at J8 then we'll go our own ways, double happiness! I wasn't quite hungry though. But i realised... I've not eaten anything other than the sugray stuff i was forced to drink. Headed to longjohn's. Sunshinnnne! Played crazily. I still didn't want to go separate ways so we went around Junction8. Awesome day indeed. Left for church after. But it was really nice time. From the school time to being her 'bodyguard' to running all around.

It just spells memories altogether. <3 style="font-style: italic;">You are my sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are gray .
<3

#30 Good Friday & Easter

Many a times especially in these years, people have forgotten the real meaning of Good Friday, the real meaning behind Easter. It's just the, "I want Easter Bunnies!" kind of conversations that you would have with one another. But have you realised the reality of things? If Good Friday had never taken place, we wouldn't be standing on Earth today, forgiven and free. It is by His blood that we have been cleansed from our Sins and we know we have something to look forward to after we leave our Earthly Land.

Personally Good Friday has a special meaning to me, other than all the stories we here about how amazing Jesus can die on the cross and resurrection on the cross. Since a young age, my parents would always remind me that it's not about the chocolate Easter eggs or the public holiday but it's about Jesus, Our God. Thus even till today, when its Good Friday, I still take time reflecting about what Good Friday and Easter means to me, and that's what I'm going to share. Why don't we try placing ourselves in Jesus' shoes, how would you feel if you knew that your closest loved ones are going to betray and deny you, not once but thrice? How would you feel if you knew what is going to happen to you tomorrow – that you are going to be crucified on the cross, not for yourself but for others?

If I'm in His shoes I would have many, many questions that I would want an answer. Why would I have to be the one that would have to die, if I'm totally innocent and pure? Why would I have to be grouped with a group of sinners when I'm flawless? Why is it me that is suffering and being mocked at when the people mocking me should be the one at my place? Why. Why. Why. Why. Why!

But through it all, I always thank God for saving me, for paying for my sins and for giving me an eternal life. Where would I be today if not for Him? Would I be standing testifying his goodness in my life? I was born into a Christian house, but many loved ones aren't Christians, would I be able to share the goodness of God to them? There is many times where I've seen God's hand in my life. He has brought me through man, both easy and tough circumstances. He has been my shelter, my best friend, the person I would run to SO often. Even times when I stray away, i would suddenly feel a sense of guilt for neglecting my devotionals and come back. I guess my life has changed for the better because of Him in me.

His faithfulness is so real to me. Every time when I feel down and 'out', He never fails to be there for me and I always am able to hang on to His Word and speak it into my life. When I'm feeling so afraid and upset there's always a someone that would be there helping me through. Other than my close circle, not many know that I actually pray before entering every class/break. Especially if I'm lagging behind or the work is not done or I just feel so drained and energy less to carry on, He always comforts and strengthens me. When just a centimeter to the door I say, "Jesus, help! I need to make it through, alive and well.' There are so many times – be it in school, home or at church, I see his faithfulness. I've learnt to have Faith in Him and lean on him completely for the strength to carry on.

It is because of Him, I have the chance to live today. It is because of Him that I'm forgiven and free. He's so special to me, someone that would never leave nor forsake me, even if the world turns away from me, I know He would be with me and carry me through, just like what He has been doing in my life. When I only see darkness, He brings the light. Sometimes I wonder, what's the future going to be like? Has Gods' Will been revealed yet in my life? But at the end of the day I know that my job now as a student is to work hard and bring Him all the glory that my life would become a testimony for Him. This Good Friday and Easter, take time to reflect on Gods' goodness in your life. We might be too busy with our daily busy schedules to even realise that He is the one who gives you the strength and courage to move on. He's the one who gives you a new day to begin with. He's the One that surrounds you with people that love you. He didn't have to pay the price for us; it is us that should be on the cross. But He has paid the price for us all. Why don't you take time to thank Him for sacrificing Himself and for being so faithful to us?

Jesus, even as I've taken time to reflect on Your goodness in my life, I want to thank You for being ever so present through everything I do. For dying on the cross for me, for forgiving me time and time again even if I stray away, You still welcome me back home. Thank You for blessing me abundantly with loving parents and family, friends and people around me. Daddy God, there is so many things that I can thank You for but even as its Good Friday, Thank you for showing me how much You love and care for me, that my life would never be the same again because You live in me. My Daddy God is just an amazing One!

Before I end off this post I would like to share two songs lyrics that are really very meaningful during this season:

It Wasn't Easy:

Don't think for a moment
I never felt the pain
You can't imagine
The hurt and the shame
They put the nails through my hands
Pierced my side, please understand
It wasn't easy, but it was worth it



It wasn't easy, it wasn't easy
It wasn't easy but it was worth it
It wasn't easy, it wasn't easy
It wasn't easy but it was worth it


I didn't have to do it
But I did it anyway
'cause I really love you
So much I took your place
I died for your sins
Yes I'm the one
Don't take it lightly
What I've done
It wasn't easy, but it was worth it


I left my throne
My purpose was the cross
Shed innocent blood
I paid all cost

So You Would Come

Before the world began
You were on His mind
And every tear you cry
Is precious in His eyes
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Nothing you can do
Could make Him love you more
And nothing that you've done
Could make Him close the door
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Come to the Father
Though your gift is small
Broken hearts, broken lives
He will take them all
The power of the Word
The power of His blood
Everything was done
So you would come

#15 Best?

Today marked one of the best days in 2009, even though it was a Monday. I went to school feeling very tired and weary thinking about the coming week and wondering why the tiredness has been draining me, am i suffering from insomnia? Questions like such started to flow through my mind. I felt like a dead zombie just walking through life's routines to please myself and the people around me.

I shoved all thoughts aside, and as school started, i started to focus on doing what's right - paying attention in class and trying to follow through lessons. So as to start the week, 'right'. I must say i managed to at least for the first half of the day. Just as recess fell on me, the sudden tiredness also managed to get through me. I felt that my eyes were just shutting through conversations. Comments saying i'm beginning to develop purple, puffy eye bags were brought to my attention. Nothing much i could do about it anyways, just carried on with classes after. Accounts was draining! But, i managed to catch what was happening through the lesson. Maths followed after, dazed out couldn't make the cut.

Lunch break. SRP. Got pissed off from the start because we got ticked off for not being on time when Common! Half the class just skipped the whole lesson, at least we BOTHERED to come but still we supposedly are going to be sent to the DMs. It didn't matter to me anymore, i didn't care. I guess i've become too numb and imune to the threathens coming my way that i can't be bothered with it anymore. After the extra long Tamil, i went over looking for Mdm Choo discussing about the Class Tee.

And this is where i would say best. I was invited over to her place. How often does a teacher allow any student to come to her place? I accepted her invite and i was off to say hello to her adorable cutie-pies! At first, i felt a little out of place, because she was angry over an issue with her daughter which brought the 2 older ones in. So i only had Eleanor to play with. Soon after when everything cooled down, i got my hands of Fabian! These two, my favourite. I could even realise that Eleanor had become very comfortable with me. I was really brightened up. Chermaine and I began to talk and Denise followed along, they're really flexible children! I really enjoyed the time spent with them. Every single one of them. Eleanor and Fabian were making me smile, so so much. It was such a brightener and joy to see them so carefree and joyful. Had nice conversations with Cherm & Denise at the same time, and reliving the old times where I would watch such cartoons on TV! It was really a great momment, happy and joyful.

I truly did enjoy myself, didn't manage to grab photos though, too busy playing and being entertained by Eleanor and Fabian. All the children are wonderful ones. They brightened me up, so much. Thanks for this rare opportunity. I'm smiling, because i feel so blessed playing and talking to Chare (sp?) (13), Denise(9), Eleanor(3) & Fabian(7months). Children bring my such happiness and joy. I'm blessed. So blessed.

I shall end off here. If i have more time, i'll share about my Agapeland experience with the children there, just like this post where i shared about my experience with an amazing group of children.