The 'O' levels Tamil is officially over. Does that call for a phew? It is really amazing to see myself making it through the "Tamil season" well and here I am going to pen down very single experience from the beginning to the end. It might be long but this journey had been an amazing one and it would pointless if I leave this experience in me without sharing about it as it may be encouraging to those who are still striving and wanting to do their bests. The results aren't out yet. I might get an F9 or an A1 but what I know is that I've done my best and I'm trusting God for the rest. I might have to re take the paper again to achieve a better great but this journey that I walked through would be an unforgettable one especially a girl like me who doesn't come from a Tamil speaking home.
The written paper was on the 1st of June 2009. I was prepared. Prepared just to do my best. I honestly don't know how I would fare. Questions like, "Tashka, you've walked this 6 months trying and falling so many times, you are just 4 hours away from the end point, are you going to sprint?" or "What happens if I can't answer the questions properly?" , "What happens if I can't comprehend or understand what the question is asking for?" Everything was standing still for that moment as I froze in shock realising that it is time to just "show off" everything I know about this, somewhat, "foreign language" to me. The writing paper went relatively well. Ideas kept flowing and I didn't have much difficulty translating them into the script. Tamil proverbs came into my mind, so did mini poems that were taught to me, back in Secondary 1. It suddenly just flashed through my mind as I recounted a person experience. I left the hall feeling satisfied, it was definitely God who guided me through this. Normally in fear, I'll won't remember something that happened a minute ago but this time. I remembered something that happened 4 years ago. I was filled with Peace knowing that He has guided me through this.
During the Paper 2, things were a little different. But I will give thanks all the same because I comprehended well, I was able to write, I was able to understand even though it was challenging, the fire in me didn't just die off. I walked out of the cold hall, knowing I made it because of Him. He held my hand, He gave me the ideas, He gave me the peace, He took away all my fear, and He enabled me to concentrate. HIM.
Many would agree with me that my 6 months journey with Tamil wasn't an easy one. Come to think of it, ever since Secondary 3 it never was smooth sailing. From the fear of walking into "death-zone" to keeping the faith that one day when I open the door to step into class I would see Mr. Kassim. To me, He was the best motivator; he didn't give up despite my hopelessness. He always encouraged me and that I can make it. " Tashka, if you don't change your mind set, then you won't be able to do it. Tashka, change your mind set, you can do it, and I assure you." He said this to me back in 2006. Three years have passed, but I can remember every conversation he had with me. Inspiring and motivating me. And when I placed my best foot forward 3 years ago, things changed. I remember him announcing publicly to the class my achievement of B3 for HTL when I don't come from a Tamil background and how the rest should be ashamed because I did it but they did not due to their laziness and can't be bothered attitude. I remember everything about him so clearly that when parting came in 2007 and adjusting to a whole new teacher. That became difficult. I needed encouragement but I didn't always receive it. It was hard to comprehend why things with Tamil were sliding the wrong direction after he left. It was hard to not giving up by looking at the circumstances. It just wasn't a bed of roses anymore.
March 17 2008, I decided I had to make a difference. Tamil is in my hands. And the results are going to be MINE. But if I chose to look at the circumstances and just give it up, if that F9 appears will I be able to say, I tried my best and If that's my best then I'll be fine with it. But, what if that result appears because I just gave the whole subject up? Deep down, I'll live with the regret. The regret knowing that I COULD have done better but I didn't bother trying. Honestly, I didn't want to regret. Things were not smooth sailing in the 6 months before either. I was still weak but didn't know how to help myself because I was afraid to try and fall. I fell. Not only once. Countless times. I didn't enjoy the surroundings. I wondered why people didn't see me trying. I didn't want to be a failure. Falling isn't great. But what was worst was picking yourself up when you fall. I fell many times but I was too afraid to ask for help from anyone. I hid back into my shell. Most times, I would complain but I made sure I never showed how I truly felt. I bottled everything up, afraid to show the world. I didn't believe in myself. Neither did anyone else.
Today, every paper's over. Paper 1, 2 the Oral and the Listening. My whole perspective of Tamil changed after I had my Oral. In the Tamil language, what I feared most was speaking. I come from a home where English is the main language and I'm the only child who does a Mother Tongue. That's my background. Thus, the struggle. Reading was perfectly fine for me but conversation kills me. I can never complete a sentence in Tamil. It's always mixed with English and at the same time, "broken Tamil". People tease it, people laugh at it all the same. On the 7th of July I was going to face the biggest hurdle – The Oral. Days before the oral has I heard the topics that were questioned, I felt challenged and super afraid. Day 1 was on tattoos. Day 2 was on the creator of Tamil proverbs and I was facing day 3's. What would it be? How if this? How if that? HOW IF.
Philippians 4:6-7
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
As my turn approached I said my "last" silent prayer. Many strange things happened. When I first saw the examiners I was, "Uhoh. They're really Indians." Sounds stupid but I expected them to be bilingual but trust me, they weren't. That would actually serve as a disadvantage for someone like me. But no. It wasn't. I handed them my IC and they pointed over to Mr. Marican English oral that side (thinking I've gone to the wrong place?) because it said, Eurasian. Why on earth did that happen when they would have my name right? Strange. So I begin to read and one of the examiners were still fascinated with my IC but when I began to read it looked at me and went, "Ahhhha (in a soothing way)" and I was totally stunned for a moment. As I went on, I realised he no longer placed his hands on his chin but was pretty stunned by this "foreign girl" reading this thing like an Indian. When conversation time came, for the first time in the entire 15 years of my life, I spoke Tamil with only TWO English words and with 2 TAMIL proverbs. I spoke for the entire 12 minutes that I was asked to stop so that he could question me the next question. And went I spoke the proverb, the friendlier examiner, "Ooooooo uhhuh" That was the exact reaction. That totally made the day.
I left the hall knowing that WAS MY BEST. I've no regrets. Nothing at all. And I conquered Tamil by God's grace. It was HIM who brought me through, who guided me, who calmed me who made me able to interact for 12 minutes straight with just 2 words, "gym" and "generation." It was God's hands through everything. From my Paper 1 all the way to the Listening Comprehension, God saw me through. He was ever so faithful. He helped me fight this whole battle. I don't know who would be the ultimate winner but I know I did my best. And even if it's an A1 or an F9, I'll glorify Him because He brought me through and showed me how faithful He is. I have no regrets.
So why am I penning this 3 page long essay? I want this to be a form of encouragement to anyone who might happen to read this. The whole world might discourage you, might think you are hopeless but if YOU believe in yourself, half the battle is won. It wouldn't be easy. Sometimes it wouldn't be fair. You'll face even more challenges compared to the people around you or the surroundings might be different but with God anything IS possible. It might be torturous but with a positive mindset you'll be able to conquer anything! Just persevere and you would know that whatever the outcome, you've placed your best foot forward.
My greatest hurdle was Tamil. But here I am today, having crossed the hurdle with no regrets. All it took was perseverance, faith and to believe in yourself. My Daddy God's so awesome, it is because of Him that I'm able to testify about His faithfulness upon my life and how blessed I am because of Him. Have faith and Trust in Him cause nothing is impossible with Him!
Daddy God, I love you.
