#43 Over

Before I start with the rambling, I placed my achieves back. After all, blogging as become a place for me to pen down my thoughts all over again, and look back at the memories once in a while. I'm happy with this blog, I get to pen down my thoughts but not many would realise how i feel. I feel more protected here, I feel that I can express myself better here, I can be the real Tashka. All my drafts have been posted, thus the number scheme is all wrong. This is the 43rd post, but my number might not follow it because I had about 12 drafts written, just was a bit cautious about posting it, but I've released all of it now. So many posts that I might seem new in my achieves!

Secondly, Common Tests are over! It had been the most eventful CTs I'd say - it really tore me out, many times. It was really scary because I didn't find myself trying to move on but really stuck and just helpless, thus resulting in the sudden out pour of tears time and time again. I'm really sorry if I have been really temperamental and feeling mountain-ly to valleys to moodless to tears and the cycle reverses and repeats over and over again. I'm really sorry. I'm glad its over. Glad to say, I've moved on. Thanks to everyone for always helping me and also praying along with me and helping me to trust Him and allow Him to take care of the rest. Everyone - Sunshine, Dharishini, Mdm Choo, Mrs Lim, Sarah, Alex, Valerie, Sonja, Daniel, KeHui, Clarissa. I remember every hug and work spoken to me. And prayers too. It was a difficult time especially after English and the rest like how i couldn't bring myself to go and do the Biology paper. It was a tough time.

But everything changed, when I heard this from the ones that love me the most. And I always remember this because they were the ones that dried my tears with the hug and encouragements.

"Even if you get a zero or a hundred, We love you all the same. Daddy & Mama knows that you have done your best, so the results don't matter to us. We love you. "

And i choose to thank God for Daddy & Mama, and for bringing me through.
I love you, both.

#38 Lost.

Looking at my title, I guess questions are already popping out. Is it normal to feel this way? Lost. A sense that something's amiss. I've honestly been struggling. Struggling to keep up with the amount of work that has to be done, struggling to receive acceptance and struggling, struggling to break free from the shell that I've been hiding in for awhile. Have I sounded the red alert to the people around me? I feel like just giving everything up. Have you wondered why I've been so sticky to the people that I'm close to? To what Sunshine calls it, Separation Anxiety. Why i suddenly want to stick to the ones I miss? Why i wanted to leave the workload aside and spend a few minutes with Superwoman?

Because I feel lost. I'm struggling. Struggling very hard to find out who is the real me. Sometimes I feel like I've got split personalities because I tend to behave differently at different times of the day. I'm a bottler. I just bottle and bottle everything up and when its really full I jump onto my pillow and cry everything out. Have I strayed away from the right direction that I should be heading? Why do i feel that wherever I am at now , I'm all alone. At the end of the day, I just want God's Will for my life. I've been running around in circles, looking for answers but haven't found any. I don't want to lose the past. I don't want to let go of it. Yet i feel I've been drifting away back into the shell that I once took the courage to come out from. I wouldn't say I'm ready for the world. Face it, I'm not. I'm still having difficulty looking someone in the eye telling them how I really feel. Why? Why the emptiness? Is something missing?

I'm turning back. Back into the shell I once came out from. Was taking the step of faith to come out ever the right choice? I'd enough of this World. This cruel and heartless World. I'm going to be hiding away from this evil and wicked world. Running away from the reality I just refuse to face. All i needed was love and acceptance.
I need my Superwoman, I need my Sunshine. Face it, I just need to empty that bottle in my heart, soon.