#43 Over

Before I start with the rambling, I placed my achieves back. After all, blogging as become a place for me to pen down my thoughts all over again, and look back at the memories once in a while. I'm happy with this blog, I get to pen down my thoughts but not many would realise how i feel. I feel more protected here, I feel that I can express myself better here, I can be the real Tashka. All my drafts have been posted, thus the number scheme is all wrong. This is the 43rd post, but my number might not follow it because I had about 12 drafts written, just was a bit cautious about posting it, but I've released all of it now. So many posts that I might seem new in my achieves!

Secondly, Common Tests are over! It had been the most eventful CTs I'd say - it really tore me out, many times. It was really scary because I didn't find myself trying to move on but really stuck and just helpless, thus resulting in the sudden out pour of tears time and time again. I'm really sorry if I have been really temperamental and feeling mountain-ly to valleys to moodless to tears and the cycle reverses and repeats over and over again. I'm really sorry. I'm glad its over. Glad to say, I've moved on. Thanks to everyone for always helping me and also praying along with me and helping me to trust Him and allow Him to take care of the rest. Everyone - Sunshine, Dharishini, Mdm Choo, Mrs Lim, Sarah, Alex, Valerie, Sonja, Daniel, KeHui, Clarissa. I remember every hug and work spoken to me. And prayers too. It was a difficult time especially after English and the rest like how i couldn't bring myself to go and do the Biology paper. It was a tough time.

But everything changed, when I heard this from the ones that love me the most. And I always remember this because they were the ones that dried my tears with the hug and encouragements.

"Even if you get a zero or a hundred, We love you all the same. Daddy & Mama knows that you have done your best, so the results don't matter to us. We love you. "

And i choose to thank God for Daddy & Mama, and for bringing me through.
I love you, both.

#41 Wilderness

The feeling of giving up still lingers around me. Especially for Monday's papers. Would i let past repeat itself? Would I be able to say I did my best? Monday's not here yet, why am i worrying myself up? Its because, I don't want to do the Tamil paper. I don't want to end up crying after the paper. Why must I be the one treated differently from the rest? Why is it that everyone has been noticing my effort, except you? Why is it that you never accept me for who I am? I hate the fact that you're bias against me.

If Tamil's the problem for me then why do I love having Tamil tuition, and even have it 4 times a week, smiling and laughing my head off every lesson. Why if I see the word Tamil printed on the timetable, my heart skips beats as I enter the room. Why is it that I have to drag myself down to the first floor and sigh. Why do I have to shed tears once I reach the Tamil notice board, knowing that I've to face reality. Saying my last prayer that He'll see me through and that these 2 periods would be quick and not a spoiler. Just why! Why is there a change in my view of Tamil in school and from Tuition.

At the end of the day, I just need your encouragement. I just need to know that you see my effort, that I'll be able to make it. That I've been trying. Would that ever be possible? Would you give me a chance just for ONCE? Recently, everyone who talks about Tamil or class at school, I just breakdown. How long would I have to bottle everything up? I guess I'm just left with nothing to say. Some part of me wishes that I'll clear Tamil in June so that I'll never face him (or her) again. I need to leave secondary school, quick.

Daddy & Amma, thank you. I love you both as much too.