#48 Separation Anxiety

I so feel this way, 80% of the time. This year has personally been a struggle. A huge struggle to face reality, to come out of my shell and also to take the step of faith to trust God that He'll see me through. In all years, I've been hanging onto Him the most this year. Times have changed, because of the pressure and circumstances I've been facing, I myself have changed. Even before I share, I would like to apologise especially to the close ones around me. I know that it is as difficult for you as it is for me when many of my loved ones see me in the state I'm currently in. I know I've been a little not myself, crying everyday, looking out of the window for long hours just stoning, not eating nor sleeping. I'm sorry to have to trouble everyone over and over again because there were many times when I didn't feel like moving on ans just stood still.

It has been exhausting because I don't know where I'm heading yet too afraid of who to seek help from because I don't know who I can trust and who would be there for me if i call for help. So i chose to bottle everything up but as it hardens and overflows, I breakdown. I cry too often and easily now. I was just looking back upon life and questioned myself what actually caused me to become this way?

What has happened to me? I used to smile and really mean it, I used to laugh at life and move on easily but now? Putting a smile or laughing it off is SO hard, and if i actually do it, the truth is - its just a pretense, so that many would not suspect something amiss or wrong. As i prayed, I began to question God. I suddenly realised the reason for me to have come to this state was because Ive truly become very fearful that I'll lose someone dear having lost many. The reason why I've been crying so much is because I've been feeling the emptiness, an empty heart because I'm unsure of who to hold dear, in fear that history might repeat itself over and over again. I hate going through it over and over again. It exhausts me, it affects me totally.

Then why? Why does He always make this happen to me? Why is it that once I feel comfortable with someone, soon enough departure takes place. That's the reason why I totally hate to bid farewell and always get so affected by it. That's why I always am afraid to be close to someone in case the person leaves.

In 2006, Secondary 1, I began comfortable with Tamil because I was always encouraged and motivated by Mr Kassim. He never failed to motivate me, be it in front of the class or privately he always assured me that I'm a great achiever because he sees the potential to shine in me. I slowly opened up and began comfortable with him. Coming from a horrible primary school and by stepping into secondary school with a phobia of teachers, I always smiled when i met him. I didn't have to look at the walls around him, I was able to look him straight in the eye when I needed help. He was always willing to give whatever he could give just to make sure I feel special. 4 years have passed, I still contact him and I do think about him.
Sometimes to tears because Tamil would be so much better today, if he was the one who taught it. I wouldn't blame him though, I'll still chose to thank him for being such a encourager. Someone who carved my journey in life. As he left, I began to feel so helpless because I really needed to feel accepted for being myself, someone who makes mistakes, frequently. But as i did, I remember always being scolded for not trying but deep inside, I felt I was trying. Times like these, I wanted him back to encourage me again, but I was all alone, hoping to break free from this danger. The day soon arrived when i met someone equally special in 2007.

Secondary 2, and that was Ms Tay. Because of the happenings of Secondary 1 i felt awful in Secondary 2 because I didn't understand why I had to be running this where the end wasn't close AT ALL, I was afraid of school because I couldn't be myself. I always had to fix my eyes on how a role-modal of a student is like and try my best to be up to that standard. After trying and trying and not taking care of myself, I fell sick and it started cycles of treatment, from clinics to doctors to hospitals to A&E. I remember needles, pain, sleepless nights, waking up facing more pain, wondering whether I'll make it through the day. And if school became a possibility that day - how to survive school? How to face the tests, trails & limits? It was because of all these, I slowly developed on the inside. I told myself that if I don't stop bottling up and continue this way, I won't get any better.
The first person I opened up to was Ms Tay. She was super nice to me, I remember being very scared but slowly I began to trust her. She was always helping me, by both talking to me and also helping me with Science. I remember one night I was at A&E and YingYng was with me too and then I was reminded of the test the next day and I felt horrible because firstly, I'm here instead of home studying and secondly, YingYng is beside me, She's just wasting her time here! And then i received a message from MsTay telling me not to worry about tomorrow's test. She probably didn't know my condition or where I was but her kindness and thoughtfulness would be something I would always remember. It was through her that I realised that not all teachers are as cruel as I see them to be.



In 2008, things changed again. Ms Tay was no longer my teacher. When i decided to move on, I was confronted with so much more. This time, I made sure I face them, even facing them alone, I would agree to. SO many more things happened - friends changed ( we wern't as close anymore) , class changed, subjects were tougher, I lost meaning in life. On the 17th of March I openly revealed in 1 of my worksheets of my hatred towards the things I was going through. It was by accident but i was because of that, I met someone else who became so special to me.
Surprisingly, I just open up so easily to her and to me, she always seemed to be "god-sent" because every time I cry out to Him, She'll be somewhere round that corner. She encourages me, She motivates me and she accepts me for who I am and that's what I'm most thankful for. I enjoyed her company and to know that I could be myself around her made me feel thankful because I rarely get the chance to be. Thank you my Superwoman, Ms Foo was always being there for me time and time again, and wasting your time on me and also allowing me to be the real me without judging me. Thank you for encouraging and motivating me, thank you for always rendering help when I need it, thank you for being that someone special to me.
Times have changed, I've been trying to move on but sometimes it gets hard knowing that we hardly anymore cross paths this year, that we don't have many frequent conversations and that sometimes its hard not to miss you because of how special you are to me. Thank you for being that special someone.


Even as I type my last paragraph, It really turns saddening because I question myself why is it that He has placed so many special people in my life but just as I get to know them and slowly be comfortable and open up to them, they leave for a new direction. Just answer me, Why?

In 2009, I got to know more friendly adults. And i slowly began to feel super comfortable with her. She's Sunshine - I nicknamed her that because I never seen a time when she doesn't smile. Even when times are bad and stressful, there's still smiles and more smiles. I play with her, I go crazy too. She is someone that makes everyone happy just by simple actions. It was because of her, I saw the hidden meaning of Literature, the way others might not see it. It was because of her, I saw the world differently, the world no longer became a "happily ever after" in my eyes. She has been nice, walking me through things I'm unsure about and always helping me get through situations.



To every special one up in this post, thank you. Thank you for giving me a chance, a chance to be myself. Thank you for being there for me and helping me time & time again. Thank you for encouraging and motivating me to always do my best and never think about quitting, thank you for allowing me to be me. Times have changed, some are leaving, others have left, some are still around but in a different environment but at the end of the day, even if i question why - I miss everyone of you, very very very much. I miss the times I had together with you.

I guess I really am suffering from Separation Anxiety,
would i ever get such a chance to be myself ever again?

#43 Over

Before I start with the rambling, I placed my achieves back. After all, blogging as become a place for me to pen down my thoughts all over again, and look back at the memories once in a while. I'm happy with this blog, I get to pen down my thoughts but not many would realise how i feel. I feel more protected here, I feel that I can express myself better here, I can be the real Tashka. All my drafts have been posted, thus the number scheme is all wrong. This is the 43rd post, but my number might not follow it because I had about 12 drafts written, just was a bit cautious about posting it, but I've released all of it now. So many posts that I might seem new in my achieves!

Secondly, Common Tests are over! It had been the most eventful CTs I'd say - it really tore me out, many times. It was really scary because I didn't find myself trying to move on but really stuck and just helpless, thus resulting in the sudden out pour of tears time and time again. I'm really sorry if I have been really temperamental and feeling mountain-ly to valleys to moodless to tears and the cycle reverses and repeats over and over again. I'm really sorry. I'm glad its over. Glad to say, I've moved on. Thanks to everyone for always helping me and also praying along with me and helping me to trust Him and allow Him to take care of the rest. Everyone - Sunshine, Dharishini, Mdm Choo, Mrs Lim, Sarah, Alex, Valerie, Sonja, Daniel, KeHui, Clarissa. I remember every hug and work spoken to me. And prayers too. It was a difficult time especially after English and the rest like how i couldn't bring myself to go and do the Biology paper. It was a tough time.

But everything changed, when I heard this from the ones that love me the most. And I always remember this because they were the ones that dried my tears with the hug and encouragements.

"Even if you get a zero or a hundred, We love you all the same. Daddy & Mama knows that you have done your best, so the results don't matter to us. We love you. "

And i choose to thank God for Daddy & Mama, and for bringing me through.
I love you, both.

#37 <3

TI YING YNG

DHARISHINI

& all my superheros:

SUNSHINE
& SUPERWOMAN

Kind of miss them, especially best friend (Ying) & Dharishini. Think i should come up with a nickname for her too. I feel missed since bestfriend claims that her life's very empty without me and Dharishini claims she has been too bored with no entertainment. Okay, I do miss them too. I feel like I'm the battery that would start your engines, aw. Didn't know that, but its nice to hear that i mean so much to them.

Hee. I'll be back in school tomorrow. With a smile on my face. :)

#36 & I'm still travelling on this road cause of You

HAPPY 85th BIRTHDAY TO MY DEAREST SCHOOL!

The last and best Founders' Day at Kuo Chuan. I still would believe its days like such that will make you feel proud to be a KCPian and also where you feel a great sense of belonging towards the school even though sometimes I can say so directly, "you know what, this school spells yucks." I've grown up in KCP, journeyed through Founders' Day 10 times! Time has flew past, it doesn't seem like it has been 10 years but how am i trying to kid? In other words you can say I've been a KCPian all my life and would always be one.

This years' founders' day theme is " Celebrating His Goodness, Sharing His Blessings" and to be honest, I don't think Founders Day ever meant something to me. It was just an unusual day full of speeches and a day to showcase how great the school is when sometimes I wondered how on earth can the school be THAT great.

But my impression and everything else has changed. I was having lunch with Sunshine during my free period on Wednesday, and she casually questioned me, "Are you proud to be a KCPian? Are you happy to be one?" I had a weird reaction and replied, "What do you think? How many times have i complained to you about how horrid KCPians are?, Maybe a little, that's all." It dawned on me later that many years down the road, when i tell my children where I was from, I would say i'm a 10 year KCPian, and whether at that time KCP is a great school or some gangster school or a school that no longer exists depends on us now.

During Tamil, Mr Kalai insisted that since it was Founders' Day we are to relax and not do any work and also because the next day's Labour Day. So he showed us clips after clips and the first one was on Founders' Day and about the school's achievements so far. We were the first few to watch it because it was to be shown at Mr Low's talk later. And goodness! It was fantastic! It was as if successes after successes, all the golds! & even gold with honors! God really has blessed the school so abundantly, and when i saw the video i replied Sunshine, "You know what - I'm proud to be a KCPian, really. Look at how much God has blessed our school man!" God has been good, really.

During Mr Low's talk, it was indeed wonderful. Sang and sang and sang, everyone was singing super loudly, worshiping Him especially with "Forever God is Faithful, Forever God is with us" song, I was totally :OO. Followed after was the cake cutting ceremony and the Birthday song, which totally rocked because I feel KCPians know how to rise to occasions - everyone was cheering, clapping, singing! The school song was sung, SUPER LOUDLY! Every Monday when you hear the school song you'll only hear thr choir sing but this time, we couldn't even hear the CD being played! The Benediction was great too,

You wouldn't know how great the whole event was unless you were part of it watching, but it defintely was a great and memorable one. The best in 4 years! God has been good to everyone of us! Have a blessed Founders' Day and let's pray that there would be many more to come! :)

Here's a video on Founders' Day
Thank God for the wonderful leaders, teachers, classmates, friends.
Without them, you'll be nothing.

#34 Sunshine

I can't remember much about this week. Maybe i should start writing down what happens everyday so that i would be able to keep track of them. Oh wells. I guess life's very mundane to actually have a say about it? Just work, work, more work and tests to complete. I wonder how i actually fared for biology. I really am stuck, why does the syllabus feel so complex so suddenly? Physics seems to be a better option because its linked to maths now but wait? I can't even do maths properly, would I be able to do physics? Speaking of maths, i think i owe MrsTay lots of worksheets. Oh man. :( I still can't do vectors!

Anyways, Sunshine is the bomb! :) Sunshine would always make me happy when times are Gray. The day actually started out badly. Halfway through PE i was sent over to MsAlsagoff and she made me drink water with 4 packets of sugar in it. I replied with a smile, "Ms Alsagoff if i don't faint, I'll die of diabetes. She still forced me too anyways since i insisted I wouldn't agree to going home. Sarah was laughing her head off with me with my very positive replies that i answered to MsAlsagoff. Anyways, I'm fine. I was quite actually. The lack of sleep is probably getting into me and the close to late for school and then missing breakfast and since lunch comes only at 430, don't quite have a choice? Oh wells, so I had to have the sugary stuff and then was allowed back into class. Halfway through, i guess in my fearfulness i was touching my handphone screen and to my horror, i was calling Sarah who had a colour me tone and it went on speaker! I was like super scared she'll confiscate my phone but she didn't do any of those, thankfully.

After Literature, bumped around at CCA. It was honestly a total waste of time because we've done it before. Well i guess it was more for the juniors? Can't we step down? Took out my work to do with Tiffany when i met my Sunshine. All smiles already. Tiffany held her back because of her overdue homework which meant that I could play around with her more. Sunshine helped me with my Biology homework which was due on Tuesday but i probably dragged it even longer. I could actually understand and do it! SUPER HAPPY! Sunshine rocks, super a lot. Biology was finally done. I was so happy that i restricted her from leaving. Tiffany was super shocked that I actually held on to her hands preventing her from going until she said that we'll have dinner at J8 then we'll go our own ways, double happiness! I wasn't quite hungry though. But i realised... I've not eaten anything other than the sugray stuff i was forced to drink. Headed to longjohn's. Sunshinnnne! Played crazily. I still didn't want to go separate ways so we went around Junction8. Awesome day indeed. Left for church after. But it was really nice time. From the school time to being her 'bodyguard' to running all around.

It just spells memories altogether. <3 style="font-style: italic;">You are my sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are gray .
<3

#32 Our Song

Long time since I've seen your smile,
But when I close my eyes,
I remember
You were no more than a child,
But then so was I,
Young and tender.

Time carries on;
I guess it always will,
But deep inside my heart
Time stands still.

Stay for awhile.
Well, it's good to see your smile,
And I love your company.
Stay for awhile.
And remember the days gone by;
For a moment it can seem
Just the way it used to be.

Snowfalls, phone calls, broken hearts,
Clear summer days,
Warm and lazy;
Long walks, long talks, after dark;
We vowed we'd never forget.
Now it's hazy.

Time takes its toll,
And time alters our view.
It would be nice to
Spend some time with you.

Oh, stay for awhile.
Well, it's good to see your smile,
And I love your company.
(Oohhh) Stay for awhile.
And remember the days gone by;
For a moment it can seem
Just the way it used to be.

Stay....

(Please stay.)

Stay, stay, stay....

One, two, one, two.

Stay for awhile.
Well, it's good to see your smile,
And I love your company.
(Oohhh) Stay for awhile.
And remember the days gone by;
Just the way it used to be.

Stay for awhile.
Oh, it's good to see your smile,
And I love your company.
Won't you stay with me for awhile,
And remember the days gone by;
For a moment it can seem
Just the way it used to be.

(The way it used to be. Be.......
The way it used to be, ooohhhh, aaaahhhhhh. Ooooooooooooooh.
Now, now, now, now.... Hoohhhhhh....)

Everytime i listen to this song it reminds me of Ms.Sunshine, :) The one that makes me smile every morning and evening. Life's going to be so different in 5 weeks. Oh wells. Cherish the remaining time left, right? Our Song, Stay For Awhile shall be a very special song to me. In 5 weeks, I've to bid farewell to 2, It seems like as time passes its going to get even more difficult because the closer we get, the harder it is to say goodbye.

Its time for me to catch some sleep, Goodnight!

The countdown shall begin,
20 days to CTs,
43 days to farewell,
44 days to Os

#28 Its Week 3!

Time's flying, that's all i can say! Its making me too speechless. First it was just the end of the march holidays, and now, hello, week3! Goodness, 4 more weeks to the mid years and I want to do well yet every time i want to do work, i feel so tired to even start.

Well, Week 2 was rather unstable. Lets post it another time, too tired to continue. See what i mean? :/


How would i survive another week at school?

Die.

Edit -close to a week later.

School just explains tiredness. In week3, lessons were fine. Other than a few hiccups here and there. The main thing that happened this week was, burning my han through the fire at the chemistry lab. Being sent to MsAlsagoff after SS and then the next thing? My hand was wrapped up all in a white bandage, what an experience!

Lit -
Tuesday We we went through the homework of the essays we had done the previous lesson. And continued on with the book. We're reaching the end. :/ I don't want happy literature lessons to end, it'll be saddening. Oh wells. :((
Friday was the last part of the book and the play on screen.
I guess i couldn't hold the tears that i had been trying to hold back for some time. But i guess that made me feel better.

There's the highlight of week 3 then! :)

#26 4th Student Council Investiture

A leader is some one who has the ability to inspire others to achieve tasks and goals that they might not other wise be capable of reaching.

Leadership is great men and women with certain preferred traits influencing followers to do what the leaders wish in order to achieve group/organizational goals that reflect excellence defined as some kind of higher level effectiveness.

Wednesday marked my last year, as a councillor. In a way or two, it also marks the end of my council journey. I guess after everything, council still has become a part of me. My council life was never a bed of roses, i remember times where i would get so fed up about council and have no drive anymore, but just that Wednesday as i looked back on my journey has a councillor, i believe it has all been worthwhile.

From those happy moments to the selfless service moments and to the crashing down moments, i've been through everything. I was involved in the first P6 invitation, led the 2nd P6 invitation on my own, ushered, recess duty, morning assembly duty, Sec1 Orientations in all my council years, Council Board planning and the last one - Council Room planning, which is still on going.

Through these council years, I honestly have learnt a lot, not only about myself or my team mates but also learn qualities that might be able to take me far in life. I admit, i'm a silent reader. I might not be like the powerful kind with strong influence but i know, i'm someone who reads through situations and decide on the next move.

It is through council where i can say, my true friends are formed. Friends that care for me, support and trust me. It is through council where i felt the sense of belonging in school. Mister Low once shared with me that in all ways, the school leaders and teachers love me for being the school fan, in other words the school ambassador. The friends i met in council not only molded me but thought me to look at things from a different perspective and to remain positive all the time. Sometimes, i can never imagine what my life would be revolving on, if not for council. Yes, i would be a student, but would I be as active as in CCA? Would I be able to have the chance to take leadership? Would i be able to have the chance to show my gratitude and appreciation to KuoChuan? Would i get the chance to get to know more friends and teachers better? Would I ever have the courage to step into the matter and say, 'Stop, we're going the wrong direction'. My answer would be, Nope.

In Primary School, I began to fear teachers and soon after, i was just protected in my own shell, running back to it every time i sense danger. But now, even though at times i still fear, i know that there are always people around me to comfort me.

Thankyou, 4th Student Council,
It has been a milestone, recorded in my life book.

#23 Happyhappy!

Finally, MYOB's over! It probably costed not only 170 dollars but also my brains! Goodness. I was practically cracking my brains in the exam computerlab just to get it over and done with. I guess i stand a chance to get the distinction because for the first time in my accounting life, my accounts balanced! With an out balance of zero! And yes, my lappy's typing in English. Am using Google Chrome till i bring my lappy to the hands of the hero, MrKalai (HA HA.) Tomorrow would be another day at school, with Biology full speed. I guess that 101% better than Accounts, after a 4 day 7-5 workload and crazy assignments with totally reverted my mood time and time again. It seriously doesn't feel nice when you do 24/5 accounting while you no others are at home, relaxing/pacing their homework. Speaking of homework. I've not even started them and goodness gracious, School's on Monday!

School aside. Went all the way down to NorthPoint after school, to have late lunch with Geethaaaaaa. Happiness. Went to get all the school needs before going over to her place in Woodlands. Great time spent with her! Even Aunty says that i've lost a lot of weight... Have I? It has been a sudden flow of comments from so many people that I've been losing weight. That includes the people you see everyday, your parents and form teacher.

Its kind of getting scary when i see it moving down but not knowing why,
I don't want anymore gastric pain.

I hope today's the last, really.
Alright, I'm off to History!
:)

#19 The week

Basically, the whole term 1 is over now, but i didn't mention anything about Week9, so i shall do so now. Lessons were mostly okay. A few tests here and there, many filing to do, to hand in. I passed my Chemistry, am doing rather well for Chemistry! English has been good because we didn't do much other than to watch this documentary on how our brain works. It really was an eye opener to me because i've not realised how wonderfully made i'm and how cool my brain actually is! Maths has been a little though. I'm not good in drawings and i don't study physics either so its getting a little hard. :/ Biology hasn't been that bad. The chapters have been interesting compared to the dry topics. But yes, a lot more memory work to be done. Social Studies was usual. No lesson nor test. Last minute workbook activities and filing, that's all. History was basically a free period again. I musn't give up on History! Lit wasn't too bad, come to think of it Off Centre isn't too bad. Well other than the language but i do feel for Vinod and Saloma and it has really taught me to look at things from a different perspective, at about the discrimination they have to go through for not being normal, since we're and they're not.

That's probably all about the week, :)

#15 Best?

Today marked one of the best days in 2009, even though it was a Monday. I went to school feeling very tired and weary thinking about the coming week and wondering why the tiredness has been draining me, am i suffering from insomnia? Questions like such started to flow through my mind. I felt like a dead zombie just walking through life's routines to please myself and the people around me.

I shoved all thoughts aside, and as school started, i started to focus on doing what's right - paying attention in class and trying to follow through lessons. So as to start the week, 'right'. I must say i managed to at least for the first half of the day. Just as recess fell on me, the sudden tiredness also managed to get through me. I felt that my eyes were just shutting through conversations. Comments saying i'm beginning to develop purple, puffy eye bags were brought to my attention. Nothing much i could do about it anyways, just carried on with classes after. Accounts was draining! But, i managed to catch what was happening through the lesson. Maths followed after, dazed out couldn't make the cut.

Lunch break. SRP. Got pissed off from the start because we got ticked off for not being on time when Common! Half the class just skipped the whole lesson, at least we BOTHERED to come but still we supposedly are going to be sent to the DMs. It didn't matter to me anymore, i didn't care. I guess i've become too numb and imune to the threathens coming my way that i can't be bothered with it anymore. After the extra long Tamil, i went over looking for Mdm Choo discussing about the Class Tee.

And this is where i would say best. I was invited over to her place. How often does a teacher allow any student to come to her place? I accepted her invite and i was off to say hello to her adorable cutie-pies! At first, i felt a little out of place, because she was angry over an issue with her daughter which brought the 2 older ones in. So i only had Eleanor to play with. Soon after when everything cooled down, i got my hands of Fabian! These two, my favourite. I could even realise that Eleanor had become very comfortable with me. I was really brightened up. Chermaine and I began to talk and Denise followed along, they're really flexible children! I really enjoyed the time spent with them. Every single one of them. Eleanor and Fabian were making me smile, so so much. It was such a brightener and joy to see them so carefree and joyful. Had nice conversations with Cherm & Denise at the same time, and reliving the old times where I would watch such cartoons on TV! It was really a great momment, happy and joyful.

I truly did enjoy myself, didn't manage to grab photos though, too busy playing and being entertained by Eleanor and Fabian. All the children are wonderful ones. They brightened me up, so much. Thanks for this rare opportunity. I'm smiling, because i feel so blessed playing and talking to Chare (sp?) (13), Denise(9), Eleanor(3) & Fabian(7months). Children bring my such happiness and joy. I'm blessed. So blessed.

I shall end off here. If i have more time, i'll share about my Agapeland experience with the children there, just like this post where i shared about my experience with an amazing group of children.

I Give You My Heart;

I'm tired.
Tired of the routine.
Tied of trying to please everyone.
Tired of trying to stay on track but lagging behind, so so behind.
Tired of just putting expectations on myself, hoping to achieve them.

Tired of completing homework after homework, mostly overdue.
Tired of thoughts of wanting to do revision but never able to do them.

I'm Tired, Of Life.

School's just school. It's just an aimless drag. Days just go by, and the pile of work never seems to end. Sometimes i wonder whether i'll ever get the chance to stay on track knowing the topics in school yet having NO uncompleted work to do. I guess that's just a dream. And all i've been doing is honestly, sleeping. From time to time esp in Week 5/Week6 i've been trying to fight the drowsiness so that i wont make the pile rise, i guess I'm wrong. I also lose and end up going to bed, either for a few hours or just a little earlier. And it doesn't make me feel better when i get up.

I feel like i've wasted my time and darkness is here. I'm just lost. Unsure of what to do next. And no, i dont feel any better. I just don't want people to worry. But those around me would truly know, how I've been. Cold, Weak, Breathless (at times.) Esp with this cough, it makes me breathless and hurts my throat badly. Losing of breath isn't nice. Its actually scary. I've coughed so much, i feel like throwing up everything that's in me even more when i get breathless.

When would this end?