#48 Separation Anxiety

I so feel this way, 80% of the time. This year has personally been a struggle. A huge struggle to face reality, to come out of my shell and also to take the step of faith to trust God that He'll see me through. In all years, I've been hanging onto Him the most this year. Times have changed, because of the pressure and circumstances I've been facing, I myself have changed. Even before I share, I would like to apologise especially to the close ones around me. I know that it is as difficult for you as it is for me when many of my loved ones see me in the state I'm currently in. I know I've been a little not myself, crying everyday, looking out of the window for long hours just stoning, not eating nor sleeping. I'm sorry to have to trouble everyone over and over again because there were many times when I didn't feel like moving on ans just stood still.

It has been exhausting because I don't know where I'm heading yet too afraid of who to seek help from because I don't know who I can trust and who would be there for me if i call for help. So i chose to bottle everything up but as it hardens and overflows, I breakdown. I cry too often and easily now. I was just looking back upon life and questioned myself what actually caused me to become this way?

What has happened to me? I used to smile and really mean it, I used to laugh at life and move on easily but now? Putting a smile or laughing it off is SO hard, and if i actually do it, the truth is - its just a pretense, so that many would not suspect something amiss or wrong. As i prayed, I began to question God. I suddenly realised the reason for me to have come to this state was because Ive truly become very fearful that I'll lose someone dear having lost many. The reason why I've been crying so much is because I've been feeling the emptiness, an empty heart because I'm unsure of who to hold dear, in fear that history might repeat itself over and over again. I hate going through it over and over again. It exhausts me, it affects me totally.

Then why? Why does He always make this happen to me? Why is it that once I feel comfortable with someone, soon enough departure takes place. That's the reason why I totally hate to bid farewell and always get so affected by it. That's why I always am afraid to be close to someone in case the person leaves.

In 2006, Secondary 1, I began comfortable with Tamil because I was always encouraged and motivated by Mr Kassim. He never failed to motivate me, be it in front of the class or privately he always assured me that I'm a great achiever because he sees the potential to shine in me. I slowly opened up and began comfortable with him. Coming from a horrible primary school and by stepping into secondary school with a phobia of teachers, I always smiled when i met him. I didn't have to look at the walls around him, I was able to look him straight in the eye when I needed help. He was always willing to give whatever he could give just to make sure I feel special. 4 years have passed, I still contact him and I do think about him.
Sometimes to tears because Tamil would be so much better today, if he was the one who taught it. I wouldn't blame him though, I'll still chose to thank him for being such a encourager. Someone who carved my journey in life. As he left, I began to feel so helpless because I really needed to feel accepted for being myself, someone who makes mistakes, frequently. But as i did, I remember always being scolded for not trying but deep inside, I felt I was trying. Times like these, I wanted him back to encourage me again, but I was all alone, hoping to break free from this danger. The day soon arrived when i met someone equally special in 2007.

Secondary 2, and that was Ms Tay. Because of the happenings of Secondary 1 i felt awful in Secondary 2 because I didn't understand why I had to be running this where the end wasn't close AT ALL, I was afraid of school because I couldn't be myself. I always had to fix my eyes on how a role-modal of a student is like and try my best to be up to that standard. After trying and trying and not taking care of myself, I fell sick and it started cycles of treatment, from clinics to doctors to hospitals to A&E. I remember needles, pain, sleepless nights, waking up facing more pain, wondering whether I'll make it through the day. And if school became a possibility that day - how to survive school? How to face the tests, trails & limits? It was because of all these, I slowly developed on the inside. I told myself that if I don't stop bottling up and continue this way, I won't get any better.
The first person I opened up to was Ms Tay. She was super nice to me, I remember being very scared but slowly I began to trust her. She was always helping me, by both talking to me and also helping me with Science. I remember one night I was at A&E and YingYng was with me too and then I was reminded of the test the next day and I felt horrible because firstly, I'm here instead of home studying and secondly, YingYng is beside me, She's just wasting her time here! And then i received a message from MsTay telling me not to worry about tomorrow's test. She probably didn't know my condition or where I was but her kindness and thoughtfulness would be something I would always remember. It was through her that I realised that not all teachers are as cruel as I see them to be.



In 2008, things changed again. Ms Tay was no longer my teacher. When i decided to move on, I was confronted with so much more. This time, I made sure I face them, even facing them alone, I would agree to. SO many more things happened - friends changed ( we wern't as close anymore) , class changed, subjects were tougher, I lost meaning in life. On the 17th of March I openly revealed in 1 of my worksheets of my hatred towards the things I was going through. It was by accident but i was because of that, I met someone else who became so special to me.
Surprisingly, I just open up so easily to her and to me, she always seemed to be "god-sent" because every time I cry out to Him, She'll be somewhere round that corner. She encourages me, She motivates me and she accepts me for who I am and that's what I'm most thankful for. I enjoyed her company and to know that I could be myself around her made me feel thankful because I rarely get the chance to be. Thank you my Superwoman, Ms Foo was always being there for me time and time again, and wasting your time on me and also allowing me to be the real me without judging me. Thank you for encouraging and motivating me, thank you for always rendering help when I need it, thank you for being that someone special to me.
Times have changed, I've been trying to move on but sometimes it gets hard knowing that we hardly anymore cross paths this year, that we don't have many frequent conversations and that sometimes its hard not to miss you because of how special you are to me. Thank you for being that special someone.


Even as I type my last paragraph, It really turns saddening because I question myself why is it that He has placed so many special people in my life but just as I get to know them and slowly be comfortable and open up to them, they leave for a new direction. Just answer me, Why?

In 2009, I got to know more friendly adults. And i slowly began to feel super comfortable with her. She's Sunshine - I nicknamed her that because I never seen a time when she doesn't smile. Even when times are bad and stressful, there's still smiles and more smiles. I play with her, I go crazy too. She is someone that makes everyone happy just by simple actions. It was because of her, I saw the hidden meaning of Literature, the way others might not see it. It was because of her, I saw the world differently, the world no longer became a "happily ever after" in my eyes. She has been nice, walking me through things I'm unsure about and always helping me get through situations.



To every special one up in this post, thank you. Thank you for giving me a chance, a chance to be myself. Thank you for being there for me and helping me time & time again. Thank you for encouraging and motivating me to always do my best and never think about quitting, thank you for allowing me to be me. Times have changed, some are leaving, others have left, some are still around but in a different environment but at the end of the day, even if i question why - I miss everyone of you, very very very much. I miss the times I had together with you.

I guess I really am suffering from Separation Anxiety,
would i ever get such a chance to be myself ever again?