#43 Over

Before I start with the rambling, I placed my achieves back. After all, blogging as become a place for me to pen down my thoughts all over again, and look back at the memories once in a while. I'm happy with this blog, I get to pen down my thoughts but not many would realise how i feel. I feel more protected here, I feel that I can express myself better here, I can be the real Tashka. All my drafts have been posted, thus the number scheme is all wrong. This is the 43rd post, but my number might not follow it because I had about 12 drafts written, just was a bit cautious about posting it, but I've released all of it now. So many posts that I might seem new in my achieves!

Secondly, Common Tests are over! It had been the most eventful CTs I'd say - it really tore me out, many times. It was really scary because I didn't find myself trying to move on but really stuck and just helpless, thus resulting in the sudden out pour of tears time and time again. I'm really sorry if I have been really temperamental and feeling mountain-ly to valleys to moodless to tears and the cycle reverses and repeats over and over again. I'm really sorry. I'm glad its over. Glad to say, I've moved on. Thanks to everyone for always helping me and also praying along with me and helping me to trust Him and allow Him to take care of the rest. Everyone - Sunshine, Dharishini, Mdm Choo, Mrs Lim, Sarah, Alex, Valerie, Sonja, Daniel, KeHui, Clarissa. I remember every hug and work spoken to me. And prayers too. It was a difficult time especially after English and the rest like how i couldn't bring myself to go and do the Biology paper. It was a tough time.

But everything changed, when I heard this from the ones that love me the most. And I always remember this because they were the ones that dried my tears with the hug and encouragements.

"Even if you get a zero or a hundred, We love you all the same. Daddy & Mama knows that you have done your best, so the results don't matter to us. We love you. "

And i choose to thank God for Daddy & Mama, and for bringing me through.
I love you, both.

#32 Hurt

Here's a question for you to think about. Did you use your mouth and words to heal or to break? I don't usually do these kind of postings like my usual reflections but I'm feeling hurt. I'm sorry if this post might be a little harsh, but i really want to pen down my thoughts. I always had an impression that friends would "pick you up when you fall" or be there for you when you need them. On Tuesday i did one of facebook's quiz, "What do your friends think about you?" and the results that came out of the survey was "The Under-Appreciated Bestfriend" Sometimes I feel this is so so true. I honestly can't say where I stand in many friendships. I often wonder, is this someone who loves and accepts me for me or just using me to get to somewhere. To simply take advantage of me. I've come a long way in different friendships, I can tell that for myself. From friendships where i thought we're 'un-seperatable' to friendships that I wonder where would we land up.

Maybe its just me being over sensitive and everything else. Maybe its just me feeling too moody and in pain to realise how people can actually take advantage. When i say, people, i don't mean strangers, i mean FRIENDS. BEST ones. I've missed school on Tuesday. I've been in pain for ages. I've not been able to walk up/down stairs fast, I've not been able to sit and stand up. I've been falling down, time and time again. I myself get very frustrated with myself when I can't stand/walk/sit and do everything else that I used to do, fast enough. I feel restricted. I've got to get help from everything and everyone. Sometimes I wonder why I always overwork myself. Why I want to do better than what my body can do, WHY? That always seem to be the root of all problems.

I was back in school on Wednesday and honestly it was such a struggle. Being late for class, hopping one floor to another, causing the people to slow down because of me, falling down, getting help up again, getting my things carried around by others, having difficulty standing up, having difficulty sitting down. School was such a struggle. I felt like going home time and time again. But i just didn't one to give up halfway. I made a decision to come, I stick to it. Being at home isn't a joy either because I get worried about the workload I'll have when i get back. So i don't have quite a choice.

Every day i spend X hours after curriculum hours to complete overdue homework and to also study. It is usual to find me with a friend and also a classmate. I always wait for her no matter how long she takes sometime to the extent of wasting my time there or my parents worry that I'm still not home for dinner. I get frustrated sometimes too. Because this friend, let's call her Friend A. She thinks that it is my duty to wait for her and to be with her and to go home with her too which might not always be the case. I'm there to do my work and well help her when she needs me. But it has become such a 'routine' that I feel I'm being taken advantage of. My kindness, my everything.

I want to accompany you home, but you always leave me out because you're sure you have a better friend walking you home. If they can't make it then i'll be the next one. Is it fair? Then i might as well do my work and leave school, right? Why should I spend my time waiting for you? Why! I honestly feel hurt because you seem to think it is a routine for me that it has becoming NOTHING, but to me, its such a SOMETHING because i feel unappreciated.

So you're probably asking, so what? Only because of that you say you're being unappreciated, lame. NO. That's not all. I was trying to get up at 7.15pm to get ready to go home, pack up, throw litter, everything else. After trying umpteen of times i fell back. Back not on the chair but on the floor. THE CEMENT FLOOR.

No, you didn't choose to pick me up when I fell, when friends were supposed to, "pick you up when you fall", instead it had to be Daniel to give me his hand for me to get up. Hey, i remember this day as if it happened yesterday. I was so hurt. I had to get up myself, by pulling myself up from the lockers because you realised that if I go get up with your help, I'll be able to go home.

You know what? I can't believe you treated me like this. I'll never. You left me on the floor so that you can finish your work and that I'll be able to wait for you and walk you home. YOU did it. You just wanted to finish your work, but in the end did you? Did you! NO! When it was 8pm, you decided it was time.

So tell me, do you value me or not?