Pain

I'm in pain.

Well not emotionally, but physically.
I'm down with gastric flu.
The night before yesterday was the worst night asleep ever.
I was just tossing and turning and getting up (sitting up) but wasn't able to move down bed
it happened like 8 times through 5 hours.
Didn't sleep a wink at all.
Went to school felt dizzy nausea like and the next thing?
I threw up during English.

ThankGod i made it to the ladies in time.
After that, everything was fine till Maths
when a sharp pain hit my stomach and i was unable to move again.
It totally numbed me.

Struggled through the day, even went for the council dance
came home, crying.
I couldn't bear with the pain anymore.

Close to 8, i made my way to the doctor.
My vision was unclear, i've thrown up thrice and i was in a terrible state.
Doctor confirmed it was gastric flu.
Was nearly put through needles again,
thankfully he gave 'grace' till friday.

2 days MC given,
but nope, i'm not using it.
I'm still in school, struggling through lessons.
Investiture tomorrow, doubly fearful.

I guess its time i learn to trust Him, :)

#24 Day Out With Bestie

A friend is one who stands by you in your hour of need but also shares many memorable occasions. A friend is one who asks for nothing and expects nothing in return other than friendship. A friend will accept whatever you have to give when in need and in return will give to you when you are in need. A friend is one who does not count the cost and does not expect you to count the cost be it a monetary gift or the gift of time which is one of the most precious things that can be given.

I happened to stumble upon this page on the definition of a friendship at the urban dictionary and felt that it is so appropriate for today's sharing. Today marked the best day of 2009 in my life, i hope in YingYng's too. We walked to trails, through water, we met many different living things along the way but at the end of the day we made it to land to where we were heading to, the Lower-Pierce Reservoir.

Let me start by sharing the experience before linking it to the friendship we share. I agree, its such a strange thing to do. To some extent, scary. But we insisted and did it together. Our initial plan was to go and catch a movie. I had school earlier that morning, so traveling might not be the best thing because it might be too time consuming, so we continued to stick to the plan of catching a show... Only to realise that we've been so outdated and most of the shows that we thought were showing in cinemas we already out! So we had to put the idea aside. We then headed for lunch before deciding what to do next. I wanted to bring YingYng somewhere special, where we could create more memories for each other and we both knew somehow that we need a breather, a break from the pile of work waiting for us to complete.

Thought of places before.. Monkeys came to my mind. How weird? No. I thought of Lower Pierce Reservoir. The place where you can just laze around and really just admire the surroundings. And the last time i probably made a trip there was really a long long time ago, 6/7 years? So i decided to head there, that's probably the 'nearest' to Bishan too. Before that, our first stop was to North Point to grab some chewy juniors before heading off. It was a surprise to YingYng. I didn't quite know the directions there though. Thought of coming back to Bishan before heading to Thompson then i realised that we should just hop on some 85_ and we'll get there. True enough, it was 855. Went through highways and it was really fast, before we realised, we were at the right stop.

We got down, crossed to Casurina area and followed the couple in front, I've only been there by car, i didn't know how to enter the reservoir walked down to some entrance we saw the couple enter, only to realise we can only get to the reservoir through that forested area. In the beginning it IS scary. You hear the crickety sound, you hear chirping sounds. There are creatures in there too. Happened to see Monitor Lizards and a few strange birds. Why do i say its scary? Because you're in there alone with YingYng with all these weird surroundings. You're walking on planks of wood, and there is no way out sign. No turning back.

We walked through all 3 trails. YingYng was the photographer. Halfway she asked, 'What if the wood planks break?' We'll be in the water! Other than that, what happens if our hand phones are out of signal and we are in the middle, in the woods. Lost. Thank God nothing that sort happened and i started to have fun. Looking at the living things around me. Soon enough, i started to realise, hey! I see the reservoir! It was really a sight, after walking through trees and plants and everything else! It was just lovely, really! And a few minutes, we were on land. We were at the reservoir, it was just an amazing sight. Lovely sight and I'm glad we went there.

You might not be able to picture this in your minds, but if you had walked in with us, you'll realise how memorable this experience is. Something I'm sure I'll remember for the rest of my life. The scary feeling to the hey look at the monitor lizard its on our pathway! to the we've reached feeling. Just everything was so great that you have to be there to feel how we felt. It was such a lovely time spent with the person most special to me.

We walked all the way back from Lower Pierce Reservoir to Thompson Plaza to catch bus 52 back to Bishan and it was BubbleTea time. We actually walked a really really long distance to that bus stop. The distance of 4 bus stops away from one another, so try imagining.

In a friendship, you won't always get an easy path. The journey might not always be a smooth sailing one. There would be obstacles before you reach your 'destination', but its through them where you would learn more about yourself and the person I'm with in the journey.. YingYng. I would never trust someone to bring me through that trails, alive. But in the end, i did. I enjoyed myself. Sometimes the friendship might be shaky, because you enter a new phrase but putting the differences aside, we also managed to make it through. We met with obstacles like the creepy sounds, but we overcame them. And that's what's most important in the friendship. All in all, We still love and accept one another despite our differences. (not that many though.) I know i don't have to act to be another person to make sure she accepts me, i can be myself.

No one and nothing is and would separate this friendship. Through this experience I also realised how special YingYng is to me, how i can say 'YingYng, what happens if we get lost?' and laugh it off together. Or say anything we feel without feeling restricted compared to speaking to others and your whole world might know it tomorrow. How i know I'm simply accepted, i don't have to say or do anything to feel the acceptance. Its just such an amazing and special friendship.

YingYng,
Thank you for the times we spent together. From the first lunch @ Macs in Secondary 2, to the ice-cream buffet in Secondary 3 and this year i know it would be this day we had at Lower Pierce Reservoir. The memorable days we always share. I want you to know, that even if i don't say a word after days or just hi&byes you are still the special friend. And no one would ever replace you or replace the times we shared together. No one else would ever take your place or become a better friend because you are the best and I can't ask for anyone better than best. Let's keep this friendship as strong as ever so that it would be even harder for people to try to separate us. Thank you for every moment spent with you, i really enjoy them and appreciate the time spent together. You'll always be YingYng, my Bestie. You're loved, always.

With lots of love,
Tashka.

#23 Happyhappy!

Finally, MYOB's over! It probably costed not only 170 dollars but also my brains! Goodness. I was practically cracking my brains in the exam computerlab just to get it over and done with. I guess i stand a chance to get the distinction because for the first time in my accounting life, my accounts balanced! With an out balance of zero! And yes, my lappy's typing in English. Am using Google Chrome till i bring my lappy to the hands of the hero, MrKalai (HA HA.) Tomorrow would be another day at school, with Biology full speed. I guess that 101% better than Accounts, after a 4 day 7-5 workload and crazy assignments with totally reverted my mood time and time again. It seriously doesn't feel nice when you do 24/5 accounting while you no others are at home, relaxing/pacing their homework. Speaking of homework. I've not even started them and goodness gracious, School's on Monday!

School aside. Went all the way down to NorthPoint after school, to have late lunch with Geethaaaaaa. Happiness. Went to get all the school needs before going over to her place in Woodlands. Great time spent with her! Even Aunty says that i've lost a lot of weight... Have I? It has been a sudden flow of comments from so many people that I've been losing weight. That includes the people you see everyday, your parents and form teacher.

Its kind of getting scary when i see it moving down but not knowing why,
I don't want anymore gastric pain.

I hope today's the last, really.
Alright, I'm off to History!
:)

#22 No One

To carry on with the things i said yesterday. While through the way home i started to reflect about the differences in life now compared to previous years. And I came to a conclusion that i can't change to the person who i used to be previously. Good or bad news - you decide. I somehow know and have realised that i cannot be the girl i used to be.

I feel so afraid of friends, of reality. I don't know when i can or can't be myself. Who would judge me when i am myself? Who would be next to gossip since they see me happy? Even with friend conversations i don't know whether to be myself or put up the modestest frame a friend should be. I don't know whether they'll judge or accept me? Whether that it'll be the talk of town tomorrow, whether i might just lose that friend because of what i've said/done, for not being that modal friend.

I just am too afraid of reality.
I'm too afraid that I'll be judged/criticized.
I'm afraid that I won't be accepted.

I saw this at someone's facebook
and i thought about how I AM FACING EXACTLY THE SAME THING
I just result in crying, again.

I think I'm going crazy.
Giggling to myself while crying.
Crying myself to sleep every time I'm upset.

I don't exactly know what is it that I'm actually afraid of.
But inside me, I feel like I'm afraid of everyone.
Afraid of what exactly? I don't know.
At the same time, everyone seems so friendly.

Wait.
Reality.
I can't bring myself to accept reality.
It seems that its too harsh.
More like, I'm weak.
Because I see people around me facing that reality bravely.
I'm still dreaming.
When they have overcame it, I'm still afraid to face it.
That is it, isn't it?

I feel as though I'm drifting apart from everyone.
Real life or otherwise.
Maybe I just want to blend in and disappear.

It seems more and more,
that the things I care about the most,
the things that affect me the most... are ignored.
I just want to be here, comfortable, with people who care.

That's all.

#21 Last Breath

I need the helicopters to locate and rescue me, quick.
Would you be my helicopter?

#20 Forget

Forget about keeping up with this blog and the events that i always wanted to be able to post but never find the time to. Forget about upcoming posts from centuries ago. Forget about how i was previously. I guess I'm not the same person anymore. I feel so restricted, so caged and unable to fly. Being hurt from different angles and directions. I find it so hard to cope now. I want retreat days back, i want family trips back. I want to feel free. I want to be able to do things that i used to do. I want to frequent places i used to frequent. I want to spend time with those i used to sacrifice my days for. I want to be able to sleep at least 5 hours a day or sleep past 7am on Saturday.

I guess I've changed, I want to do so many things but i can't even find time for myself, for the necessities of my life (like sleeping and eating) and I know i'm endangering my own body and health. I feel bad, i used to spend so much time with friends last year, i used to be on the computer so often. But this year has been the total opposite. I miss the times i hang out with friends and feel care-free. I'm being victimized by the friendships, fearing that i'll lose the friends that I have (or used to have). I don't want to make the next move. That's just me, afraid of almost anything and everything. There's so many things on my mind. Everyday seems like an endless drag. I really wonder when would this stop. When would I be able to feel freedom or the sense of freedom without having to think about uncompleted work or the rising homework? When? When? When?

I need an answer. I feel so much of darkness.
I need to see light, before it might be too late.

#19 The week

Basically, the whole term 1 is over now, but i didn't mention anything about Week9, so i shall do so now. Lessons were mostly okay. A few tests here and there, many filing to do, to hand in. I passed my Chemistry, am doing rather well for Chemistry! English has been good because we didn't do much other than to watch this documentary on how our brain works. It really was an eye opener to me because i've not realised how wonderfully made i'm and how cool my brain actually is! Maths has been a little though. I'm not good in drawings and i don't study physics either so its getting a little hard. :/ Biology hasn't been that bad. The chapters have been interesting compared to the dry topics. But yes, a lot more memory work to be done. Social Studies was usual. No lesson nor test. Last minute workbook activities and filing, that's all. History was basically a free period again. I musn't give up on History! Lit wasn't too bad, come to think of it Off Centre isn't too bad. Well other than the language but i do feel for Vinod and Saloma and it has really taught me to look at things from a different perspective, at about the discrimination they have to go through for not being normal, since we're and they're not.

That's probably all about the week, :)

#18 Happy Birthday YingYng!

You are my best friend,

My very best friend,

You make me happy,

Everyday,

You share your great snacks,

You share your best toys,

So please don't take

My best friend away.

#15 Best?

Today marked one of the best days in 2009, even though it was a Monday. I went to school feeling very tired and weary thinking about the coming week and wondering why the tiredness has been draining me, am i suffering from insomnia? Questions like such started to flow through my mind. I felt like a dead zombie just walking through life's routines to please myself and the people around me.

I shoved all thoughts aside, and as school started, i started to focus on doing what's right - paying attention in class and trying to follow through lessons. So as to start the week, 'right'. I must say i managed to at least for the first half of the day. Just as recess fell on me, the sudden tiredness also managed to get through me. I felt that my eyes were just shutting through conversations. Comments saying i'm beginning to develop purple, puffy eye bags were brought to my attention. Nothing much i could do about it anyways, just carried on with classes after. Accounts was draining! But, i managed to catch what was happening through the lesson. Maths followed after, dazed out couldn't make the cut.

Lunch break. SRP. Got pissed off from the start because we got ticked off for not being on time when Common! Half the class just skipped the whole lesson, at least we BOTHERED to come but still we supposedly are going to be sent to the DMs. It didn't matter to me anymore, i didn't care. I guess i've become too numb and imune to the threathens coming my way that i can't be bothered with it anymore. After the extra long Tamil, i went over looking for Mdm Choo discussing about the Class Tee.

And this is where i would say best. I was invited over to her place. How often does a teacher allow any student to come to her place? I accepted her invite and i was off to say hello to her adorable cutie-pies! At first, i felt a little out of place, because she was angry over an issue with her daughter which brought the 2 older ones in. So i only had Eleanor to play with. Soon after when everything cooled down, i got my hands of Fabian! These two, my favourite. I could even realise that Eleanor had become very comfortable with me. I was really brightened up. Chermaine and I began to talk and Denise followed along, they're really flexible children! I really enjoyed the time spent with them. Every single one of them. Eleanor and Fabian were making me smile, so so much. It was such a brightener and joy to see them so carefree and joyful. Had nice conversations with Cherm & Denise at the same time, and reliving the old times where I would watch such cartoons on TV! It was really a great momment, happy and joyful.

I truly did enjoy myself, didn't manage to grab photos though, too busy playing and being entertained by Eleanor and Fabian. All the children are wonderful ones. They brightened me up, so much. Thanks for this rare opportunity. I'm smiling, because i feel so blessed playing and talking to Chare (sp?) (13), Denise(9), Eleanor(3) & Fabian(7months). Children bring my such happiness and joy. I'm blessed. So blessed.

I shall end off here. If i have more time, i'll share about my Agapeland experience with the children there, just like this post where i shared about my experience with an amazing group of children.

#14 Where is your heart?

Hypocrite:
1. a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, esp. a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.

2. a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, esp. one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.

I've been wanting to post such a post for sometime now. I feel so useless because i can't understand 1/2 the things that go on in a day of my life. Sometimes the reason for me being so quiet and what some might call, 'shy' is because i like to observe how the people around me behave. Not that they're committing something wrong but i like to see how their character's like. How they actually treat the people around them. And I've realised so much. So much that i thought its time i share.

Maybe this post is going to be very lopped sided because its honestly just based on a few groups of people. Looking back at the way they behave, i can be brought to tears. Let's just start by saying, i've always been in my comfort zone or rather it has taken me awhile to realise about how the outside world is like. I just love the happy endings between my group of circle that when i was sent to the outside world a season ago, and saw the in justice that can be done to a person. I never imagined humans to have such a character. And i guess the only reason why i felt that way was because i never witnessed such inccidents before, my eyes only witnessed happy circumstances. It was through the inccident of 'gothchick' that i slowly learnt they hey, there are people out there on Earth who are out to harm. Its just by the way they think and look at things and i remember very clearly what MissAmy mentioned, 'You might have not neccesarily done something wrong that they hate you, its just because they just have 'nothing-better-to-do' other than to hate you.

Through that, I began to see things in a different light. I finally knew what the world was like, sometimes (in my heart) i wonder why i was even placed here, what was God's Will on my life? What's my purpose on Earth? Then again, I'm trusting God. I might still be young with a unclear future but I've come to terms with the fact that most humans are two faced, are hypocritical. In other words, we're hypocrites. We speak one thing, we do another. Our words don't match our actions. And before i carry on, I'm not saying i'm not guilty of any of these. I understand its human nature to do things this way. But, i can say one thing. I control myself. I know where to draw the line and i think before i speak, most of the time. That's the difference. So if you happen to read this, don't say, 'Oh you're just a Saint and that's how Saints should behave, NO!' I'm not trying to say that. I just want to pen down my thoughts and feeling about this whole issue of 'two-facedness' because i think it has crossed the limits. I've observed it long enough.

Call yourself a Christian or rather a person running after God's heart, but take a look at your actions instead. To gain a friendship, you curse/swear and gossip (all your teeth can even fall) all through lessons, do you give a thought about what the people around you would think of you and your actions? Is this called, being a role model for Christ? First, you snatch my closest friend away, then my clique, you leave me speechless but i'm silent. Thoughts are springing from the whithin, wanting to spill it out, but no. I'll never do that. For life, I'll live with a regret that i never have the courage to tell people how i feel about them, have no courage to tell them to stop what they're doing, have no courage to tell them them, 'hey look at what you've made things like. I never have the courage to do so and i result to bottling everything up. Keep doing that, over and over again, and what happens when i can't take it any longer? Breakdown.

I don't like the way you do things, how you spend your time gossiping about teachers just to gain a friendship from a lost friend, what wrong has the teacher done that you have to speak so poorly of her? Why do you have to curse/swear at everthing about her? Why be so heartless when the teacher cares about you, so much? Where's the basic respect for a teacher or someone older than you? If you probably read this you'll go, 'Ya lah, Teacher's pet'. I'm sure, but i really feel so disturbed because i respect the teacher. And i feel, you should have the basic respect for her and not treat a teacher like that. If that's someone your age, it doesn't matter as much. But you don't seem to care at all. You think its so cool to speak like that to higher authorities? What are you trying to achieve? 'Do unto others what you want others to do unto you.' , 'Speak unto others what you want others to speak unto you.' Its the same principle behind.

I'll be praying, for a change. No one can open your eyes to see things that you choose not to see, except Him. Only He can intervene and cause a change in you. The day would soon come when your eyes would see the flaws of yourself. I somehow, can't for that day. Its time for you to change, Vivien. I care for you, that's why i've even taken this time to share with you what i feel.

--
Don't you see the link? What has happened to me awhile ago and how MissAmy has taught me to see through those circumstances and now, when it happens to a different individual i know how to react. I know how they feel and I understand why they feel that way. I see the same things common. Its a time again, when i can never thank Miss Amy enough. Where would I be, if that sense wasn't knocked into me?