#53 Routine

Honestly, its very easy for someone to say, "I'll change" but the doing factor is doubly tough than the saying factor. The reason behind it is, You're not the one going through it. In my previous posts during the holiday season, I promised to change and to really live in His hands. But the actual changing & surrendering weighs me down. I want to change. At least back to the person I was last year. But its getting more difficult than it seems.

I'm still running away. Not facing that reality of going to PE class. It may sound stupid, but the fact that there might be trails that would lead back to the past scares me. I've been trying to put the past aside, picking myself up again to run this race. But I don't seem to have any helplines. I'm afraid to take that plunge in case I fall doubly hard.

I'm feeling lost. I need the directions. But - where's the helpline?
First week of the term, yet i feel so drained.
How long would I sustain, this time?

--

God is the strength!

Whom have I in heaven but You
There is nothing on earth I desire beside You
My heart and my strength many times they fail
But there is one truth that always will prevail

God is the strength of my heart
God is the strength of my heart
God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever, forever

Forever, forever, forever.....
Forever

& Where Does My Help Come From?

In many ways, Church Camp 2009 was different. Not only was I heavily involved with Children, I did have a fair part spent with Him. I do know that my classmates/ close friends/ church mates and whoever else would read this but I've decided to be fully transparent despite knowing that there might be certain reactions that might come along after I share this.

What tugged me most in this church camp was on the topic, forgiveness. And how I've been holding grudges and fear before of incidents that might have happened before between groups of people that cause me to not forgive, not forget and to hold grudges instead.

In... 2005, I remember Grace slapping me because I chose not to go for youth camp and she accused me of calling youths, "anti-social" because she claimed that I didn't make the effort to get to know them. Sad to say, from that day onwards, I never gave Youth Ministry another chance, I never saw myself as a part of them. Matters were not resolved and she left church not long after. Thinking about it today, the reason why I, MYSELF, outcast myself in youth is because I was afraid to be one of them, I was afraid to be so cliquish. I came from a different background, I grew up in Agapeland but started serving when I was 11, while they carried on together - all seen as one. I felt out of placed in their meetings and sometimes was too carried away with Agapeland. After church camp, I felt I should take the risk, that step of faith, to open up and give them the chance again. To not just shove Youth aside, saying that after Grace, I'm never stepping back. Afterall, It isn't the Youths fault for being that way, maybe they just don't see themselves that way. But the problem was with ME because I chose to not let go of Grace's inccident, I chose not to forgive her because she I felt that what she did was totally unforgivable.

Another inccident that was very much recent was in 08, over a PE teacher at school. Last year, she wasn't my PE teacher but she confiscated my bands, a minute before the exam which caused me to be a little upset over the whole matter and scolded me for letting my hair down after. I personally felt that, "Yeah, maybe that could have been her job, but is this the right time to conduct this? The ENGLISH paper's starting in a min!" After that incident, well I was afraid of her. Avoiding her and hiding in corners even. I had to face her this year when she became my PE teacher. To be honest here, I've been so scared of her thus I don't appear for her lessons. I'm afraid of what she might think, what she might do or what she might say. It totally frightened me that I just leave. I can't deny that I'm still upset over the incident. I felt that what happened wasn't right, in both positions. But, did things have to go this way? I always believe there are better ways of solving things, has authority have to come to picture? I'm sure she won't humble herself either to apologise due to her "authority" face, but am I going to run away from her and her lessons forever? Am I not going to face reality because of past experiences?

Am i going to blame others for my own shortcomings? Am i going to resist moving on because things of the past have not been settled yet? On the first night, there was a call to pin your "sins" on the cross and to "cancel the debts". I didn't make my way to the front, because I was held back with the little ones, But I did make a commitment. A commitment to cancel away the debts that I feel others owe me.

My two greatest fear and struggle is actually to forgive and also to not worry and get anxious that much. I made a commitment, to forgive these people, to let go of the debts they owe me and to renew the chances. To give a chance to be part of youth, to give a chance @ PE. It is going to be tough, but I have chosen to let go of the "debts", and also that whatever that happens in the future - I'm ready to accept it. Things might not go right, but I'm willing to give it a second chance. There might be other experiences where people may ask for forgiveness that I feel I should not accept, it would be times like these and such experiences that I'll remember. I wouldn't hold grudges, but I will learn to love. I would learn to take things and words lightly. Hopefully I'll change, with His help & my effort. I'm ready to change. I decided I would also stop the worrying anxiety in me and to pray and always commit everything into His hands and to have faith in Him that He'll help me and see me through. I WILL change.

& He's always going to be God!
Both now & forever more.

#52 Happy Daddy's Day!

For always being there for me,
praying for me,
sacrificing your time & food for me,
for always getting me things I want but might not need,
for working long hours to make sure we are not always tight with money,
for always demanding to bring me out for clothes shopping,
for doting on me,
for playing with me,
listening to my rubbish,
tolerating me & my laughter,
for laughing along with me,
for always pointing me back to His Word,
for teaching me most of my subjects,
& for teaching me life-long values,
for joking around with me,
for always being crazy and accompany me with more craziness,
for always making sure I'm fine
and for always being so open-minded,
for allowing me to have freedom,
making sure I have a fair share of time with friends and family
and for loving me,

THANKYOU.

I love you so so so much, Daddy!
Happy Daddy's Day!

P.S. The list can go on & on...
(I love both my parents so so soooooooo much)

#51 All in All;

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord, to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame
Rising up again I bless Your name
You are my all in all
When I fall down You pick me up
When I am dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all

The lyrics speak more than anything else,
I'll continue to hang on,
because I know even if I fall down, You'll pick me up.

You are my All in All.

#48 Separation Anxiety

I so feel this way, 80% of the time. This year has personally been a struggle. A huge struggle to face reality, to come out of my shell and also to take the step of faith to trust God that He'll see me through. In all years, I've been hanging onto Him the most this year. Times have changed, because of the pressure and circumstances I've been facing, I myself have changed. Even before I share, I would like to apologise especially to the close ones around me. I know that it is as difficult for you as it is for me when many of my loved ones see me in the state I'm currently in. I know I've been a little not myself, crying everyday, looking out of the window for long hours just stoning, not eating nor sleeping. I'm sorry to have to trouble everyone over and over again because there were many times when I didn't feel like moving on ans just stood still.

It has been exhausting because I don't know where I'm heading yet too afraid of who to seek help from because I don't know who I can trust and who would be there for me if i call for help. So i chose to bottle everything up but as it hardens and overflows, I breakdown. I cry too often and easily now. I was just looking back upon life and questioned myself what actually caused me to become this way?

What has happened to me? I used to smile and really mean it, I used to laugh at life and move on easily but now? Putting a smile or laughing it off is SO hard, and if i actually do it, the truth is - its just a pretense, so that many would not suspect something amiss or wrong. As i prayed, I began to question God. I suddenly realised the reason for me to have come to this state was because Ive truly become very fearful that I'll lose someone dear having lost many. The reason why I've been crying so much is because I've been feeling the emptiness, an empty heart because I'm unsure of who to hold dear, in fear that history might repeat itself over and over again. I hate going through it over and over again. It exhausts me, it affects me totally.

Then why? Why does He always make this happen to me? Why is it that once I feel comfortable with someone, soon enough departure takes place. That's the reason why I totally hate to bid farewell and always get so affected by it. That's why I always am afraid to be close to someone in case the person leaves.

In 2006, Secondary 1, I began comfortable with Tamil because I was always encouraged and motivated by Mr Kassim. He never failed to motivate me, be it in front of the class or privately he always assured me that I'm a great achiever because he sees the potential to shine in me. I slowly opened up and began comfortable with him. Coming from a horrible primary school and by stepping into secondary school with a phobia of teachers, I always smiled when i met him. I didn't have to look at the walls around him, I was able to look him straight in the eye when I needed help. He was always willing to give whatever he could give just to make sure I feel special. 4 years have passed, I still contact him and I do think about him.
Sometimes to tears because Tamil would be so much better today, if he was the one who taught it. I wouldn't blame him though, I'll still chose to thank him for being such a encourager. Someone who carved my journey in life. As he left, I began to feel so helpless because I really needed to feel accepted for being myself, someone who makes mistakes, frequently. But as i did, I remember always being scolded for not trying but deep inside, I felt I was trying. Times like these, I wanted him back to encourage me again, but I was all alone, hoping to break free from this danger. The day soon arrived when i met someone equally special in 2007.

Secondary 2, and that was Ms Tay. Because of the happenings of Secondary 1 i felt awful in Secondary 2 because I didn't understand why I had to be running this where the end wasn't close AT ALL, I was afraid of school because I couldn't be myself. I always had to fix my eyes on how a role-modal of a student is like and try my best to be up to that standard. After trying and trying and not taking care of myself, I fell sick and it started cycles of treatment, from clinics to doctors to hospitals to A&E. I remember needles, pain, sleepless nights, waking up facing more pain, wondering whether I'll make it through the day. And if school became a possibility that day - how to survive school? How to face the tests, trails & limits? It was because of all these, I slowly developed on the inside. I told myself that if I don't stop bottling up and continue this way, I won't get any better.
The first person I opened up to was Ms Tay. She was super nice to me, I remember being very scared but slowly I began to trust her. She was always helping me, by both talking to me and also helping me with Science. I remember one night I was at A&E and YingYng was with me too and then I was reminded of the test the next day and I felt horrible because firstly, I'm here instead of home studying and secondly, YingYng is beside me, She's just wasting her time here! And then i received a message from MsTay telling me not to worry about tomorrow's test. She probably didn't know my condition or where I was but her kindness and thoughtfulness would be something I would always remember. It was through her that I realised that not all teachers are as cruel as I see them to be.



In 2008, things changed again. Ms Tay was no longer my teacher. When i decided to move on, I was confronted with so much more. This time, I made sure I face them, even facing them alone, I would agree to. SO many more things happened - friends changed ( we wern't as close anymore) , class changed, subjects were tougher, I lost meaning in life. On the 17th of March I openly revealed in 1 of my worksheets of my hatred towards the things I was going through. It was by accident but i was because of that, I met someone else who became so special to me.
Surprisingly, I just open up so easily to her and to me, she always seemed to be "god-sent" because every time I cry out to Him, She'll be somewhere round that corner. She encourages me, She motivates me and she accepts me for who I am and that's what I'm most thankful for. I enjoyed her company and to know that I could be myself around her made me feel thankful because I rarely get the chance to be. Thank you my Superwoman, Ms Foo was always being there for me time and time again, and wasting your time on me and also allowing me to be the real me without judging me. Thank you for encouraging and motivating me, thank you for always rendering help when I need it, thank you for being that someone special to me.
Times have changed, I've been trying to move on but sometimes it gets hard knowing that we hardly anymore cross paths this year, that we don't have many frequent conversations and that sometimes its hard not to miss you because of how special you are to me. Thank you for being that special someone.


Even as I type my last paragraph, It really turns saddening because I question myself why is it that He has placed so many special people in my life but just as I get to know them and slowly be comfortable and open up to them, they leave for a new direction. Just answer me, Why?

In 2009, I got to know more friendly adults. And i slowly began to feel super comfortable with her. She's Sunshine - I nicknamed her that because I never seen a time when she doesn't smile. Even when times are bad and stressful, there's still smiles and more smiles. I play with her, I go crazy too. She is someone that makes everyone happy just by simple actions. It was because of her, I saw the hidden meaning of Literature, the way others might not see it. It was because of her, I saw the world differently, the world no longer became a "happily ever after" in my eyes. She has been nice, walking me through things I'm unsure about and always helping me get through situations.



To every special one up in this post, thank you. Thank you for giving me a chance, a chance to be myself. Thank you for being there for me and helping me time & time again. Thank you for encouraging and motivating me to always do my best and never think about quitting, thank you for allowing me to be me. Times have changed, some are leaving, others have left, some are still around but in a different environment but at the end of the day, even if i question why - I miss everyone of you, very very very much. I miss the times I had together with you.

I guess I really am suffering from Separation Anxiety,
would i ever get such a chance to be myself ever again?

#47 First Year Without You

I'm a little late but I felt I should continue the many memories, one of the most important ones is hers'. June 9 2008 marked a complete change in my life. Aunty Linda left to her real home - the Philippines. To me, she was like a grandmother, doing double the job of a mother. She knows me best, i tell her anything under the sun knowing that its safe in her hands.

But June 9'08 had to arrive. I felt totally hurt because I didn't want to say goodbye, I wanted her to remain here and watch me grow up even more, to say her goodnight to me, to cook and take care of me, I wanted her to continue our sweet late night talks, our bubble tea treats and everything else. She was my world and in many other ways, I was her world. Saying goodbye was super tough but I know i should be happy for her since she has been reunited with her family and also because she's back to her real home, her family and a completely different lifestyle.

A year has past, sometimes I still do feel the emptiness that someone so dear has left me and I'm fanning almost on my own now. I still hope that we could carry on letter writings, calls, messaging and anything possible because I still love and miss you as much as I always always have, my dearest Aunty Linda. I have never forgotten your "last words" to me @ Singapore, "We may be miles apart but you have always reserved that portion of my heart."

Aunty Linda, I know life's very tough. I cry after reading every of your letter sometimes feeling that if you would have remained in Singapore, life wouldn't be as tough and you would still be that Aunty Linda I once knew. It is because of you and your letters that I've come to understand the hardship of life. I always keep you in my prayers and pray that He would give you the added strength to go on, farming and that He'll bless you with money, health and daily necessities. I hope that life would turn brighter even as you spend more & more of your remaining years in your real homeland, only a year has past and many more would come. Your "grandchildren" back in Singapore miss you dearly and love you, always.