#87 Cold War;

Tears & Tears

I've never cried this hard before.
I never imagined myself being alone breaking down when I face authority.

I was clueless.
But all I knew is that,
I had to stand up and follow instructions.
It no longer was a choice.

I'm sorry, MsTay.

I've fallen into the deepest valley I've ever fallen into.
I know you're right & I'm wrong.
& i also know
you know things I don't know about.

I've to learn to stop being so dependent.
What's life going to be like now?

I'm sorry.

Maybe you should just leave me alone?
till I'm stabalised myself and moved on.
As of now, I'll just be live-less till I get over everything.
Tears & more tears.

#85 Sleep

I've not gone to bed yet and I've got chemistry at 130pm.
& Kash is trying to make me sleep.
Extremely tired now.
With a bad stomach pain.

Urgh.
Tomorrow at 9am, the victory bells would ring.
I hope I would really smile this time.
& i hope my stomach won't kill me tomorrow
'cause I'm going to bring the prince & princess to the playground and play with them tomorrow!

Besides.
I still am figuring out how to ask Ms Foo about kindyland. Yeeeehaw.
And I've got to get it done by this week.
But ain't I, adding extra work?

:(
BREATHE.

#84 Shivered Tears

I just want to, cry.
I've bottled up way too much.


Why's it that I always assume the worst instead of believing the best?

#83 Desert Birth

Despite it being 4plus in the morning, I realised I'm turning 16. As days past, its getting creepier. 'Cause I guess I've forgotten what a birthday is after all. So much so that I've to put a reminder to tell myself I'm growing up.

I guess this birthday is going to be the usual. Thus I'm dreading it. As in, everyone would just forget about cause they're busy with exams. Falls on the school day even more usual it would be with no Sunday School party like last's. At the same time, someone I thought I would never live without has walked out of my life. I totally don't want to turn 16.

Deep down, I want a "high-school" birthday with I guess I can consider a dream. Big many presents, hugs, surprises, balloons cakes or collage cards to know you've left a legacy from different groups of people, love, bday songs. Basically, high school movies, right? Or just, many someone(s) who would remember. I guess I can continue dreaming 'cause it feels like such things would never happen.

Who am I special to, anyway?
Wake up.

#82 Heart Of Love

I love you very much, Mama.

#81 Living Love

Daddy, I love you very much.

#80 Friendships

I know its a sensitive topic, but. If i don't mention it no one would ever realise so. Adding on to the fact that I'm sick and tired of hearing the word, "friendship" when people don't mean it. 'Cause I know most won't last. Don't you also think the Bonding Singapore chapter is just - plain crap? At the end of the day, who exactly followed the government's measures? Not many 'cause no one bothers about being multi ethnic .

I'm sorry for the tone of this entry. But I really have many thoughts about it and I really need to unload. So please, take your leave if you find this harsh. Keep in mind: This is the reality of today. You can run, but you'll have to face it sooner or later.

When you try salvaging friendships, how many are actually saved? Not many either. I've concluded I'm no longer going to try to salvage friendships when the other party can't even be bothered. If I don't matter to them then why keep holding onto them? I'm tired, physically & emotionally. I'm tired of friends wearing masks and acting, they do a superb job at it, just so you know. Pretend over and over again that I just want to break the masks. Everyone around me is wearing a mask that I'm so afraid I can't be myself 'cause I won't be accepted. Sometimes, even I wear a mask to be accepted.

Looking back, I'm amazed at how long our friendship lasted. But I guess you three have found where you belong and I was just a meet-point in the process. I'm happy for all of you, since you are all well accepted and have found your true meaning in life. Thanks for the friendship we had, for the times we shared together, for your once love and care, for SPEAKING ENGLISH, for good times. I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you three.

I wish you all the best in your life. Continue to shine and enjoy your different but new cliques. Continue to flourish in your MANDARIN, I'll miss you. I'm no longer going to salvage friendships since they are basically hopeless. I don't see why I should be a clique when all conversations are held in Mandarin and I feel like a fool, unaware of what's going on.

Love you always, thanks for causing so much happiness once and tears and hurt now. I guess I only know 3 friends who don't wear masks. & i love them even more than anyone else.

(L), Dharishini, Rajam & JiaWei

& my superwoman & sunshine as well. I finally realise why I'm so sticky to them. They're just like family to me.

Welcome, Family.

Goodbye.

#79 Psalms 23

1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

#78 Someone's Watching Over Me

Found myself today
Oh I found myself and ran away
Something pulled me back
The voice of reason I forgot I had
All I know is you're not here to say
What you always used to say
But it's written in the sky tonight

So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me

Seen that ray of light
And it's shining on my destiny
Shining all the time
And I wont be afraid
To follow everywhere it's taking me
All I know is yesterday is gone
And right now I belong
To this moment to my dreams

So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me

It doesn't matter what people say
And it doesn't matter how long it takes
Believe in yourself and you'll fly high
And it only matters how true you are
Be true to yourself and follow your heart

So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even when it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That someone's watching over
Someone's watching over
Someone's watching over me

Someone's watching over me

Sacrifice.

#77 Heart Of Stone

it’s demoralising.
my whole life is so messed up.
i’m so jaded.

every time i look at those chemical equations
and retarded mathematical sums
and dumb accounts weird rubbish,
i feel like crying.
but i don’t have the tears or energy to do so.

i wonder whether it’s the numbness or it’s simply because i grew stronger.

#76 A Night To Remember

I was weary, I was tired.
I was lost, I was energy-less.
I pondered so hard whether to go home or to enter Your presence again.

At the end of the day,
despite the tiredness
I was happy I did.

I may not have understood the service as clearly as others
due to the blocked, breathless mind.
But i stepped out and went to the alter.

JJ came, oh yes he prayed.
And he said this line, "Lord, the strength, give her the strength to go on... the courage to press on so that she would sacrifice her life, just to glorify Your Name."

On the journey home, I broke down.
Not only 'cause I was tired but I had many "whys"
I looked back at the week and more tears fell.

I've only 49 days left.
Why am I still as stupid?
Why is it that I'm trying so hard but I don't see the fruits of my labor?
Why is it that I'm giving up so quickly?
Why am I not smart?

So so so, many questions.
But one thing's for sure.
I may not have my answers but I'm working for Him.

#75 When?

Tash,

When are you going to put God first in your life again?
When are you going to start your devotions once again?
When are you going to have Faith in Him again?
When are you going to stop leaning on yourself but Him?
When are you going to wake up?
When are you going to realise that there's so little time left yet so many things to be done?
When are you going to turn your dreams into reality?
When are you going to begin.. begin to study?

Tell me, when?

#74 To My Dearest SuperWoman;

An understanding heart is everything in a teacher, and cannot be esteemed highly enough. One looks back with appreciation to the brilliant teachers, but with gratitude to those who touched our human feeling. The curriculum is so much necessary raw material, but warmth is the vital element for the growing plant and for the soul of the child. ~ Carl Jung

She's the someone special. She's someone close to my heart. She's my SuperWoman. Her name is Ms Foo. Sometimes I wish I can say all these to you face to face, but I guess I'm better at placing my thoughts down. There's just so many things to say about you and at the same time so many things to thank you for. I hope even as I share, you would as blessed as I've been as blessed by you.

It was strange even as people returned me the "slips" at FB, so many commented how come its MsFoo 'cause she doesn't teach me anymore. That was when I realised that I still keep her close to my heart. She showed me what a Teacher actually is. She "opened" me up from the girl who always tried to make sure teachers don't notice her in class and silently leave after to a girl who now enjoys knowing more people but still shy. But, there's still a great improvement ever since p3. She has molded me and imparted so many values into my life. I still remember you telling me, "that's responsibility, as you grow up it increases with you." I've learnt so much from her. Some values were not taught in the classroom or through conversations but through her life. You see her sacrificing so much, if it means the students benefit. Its from her, I learnt the art of sacrifice. To not put myself first, but others instead. 'Cause that is exactly what she does. Her students' interests are in her heart. Even if that means more work for her. She taught me to work hard to turn dreams into reality.

Ms Foo, Thank you. I know i always say thank you so often to you that its probably something so usual. But, I really do mean it. You have really changed me. You always knock some sense into my head. Everytime I fall into the "pit" I remember you saying, "When you look back this is just going to be a pit hole in your life's journey, so don't get affected too much by it." I always always remember that every time I fall. Thank you for always encouraging me and supporting me when I just need someone there. There's always a feeling of security when I hug you or just am weighed down through the surroundings. Thank you for giving up your life for me and other students, just to help us and make us learn well. Don't say its your job. It may be your job, but you could choose whether to do it well or averagely. Thank you for going out of your way for your students.

Thank you for always caring so much for me. Ever since Secondary 2, the camp, and the countless geography lessons I missed yet you taught me after class. (You were super obsessed with checking EB's and mine was totally blank and you would see it and say, okay I'll help you after school alright? *Smiles), in Secondary 3 it was Social Studies that "brought me" back to school 'cause I hated 3 Faith. And also you found out about it on the 17th of March and I went "uhoh." But no, you didn't scold me and you encourage me and cheered me up by explaining its not the end of secondary school if I'm in the worst express class.

Down the year too, it was you & you & you. 1st May 2008. I still remember holding onto you so tightly 'cause of the security you gave me at school since Daddy & Mama couldn't help this time. And also the 1st of June at council camp and how fear caught me, straight but you were still there for me. Showing me love that I really needed at the moment. When my hand swelled up yet I was afraid to go to KK but you insisted I did. And you were 8 digits away. Despite being alone, I still had your company. This year, even though you didn't teach me, you still cared. And gave up time, just for me. When I was breathless & lost you were still there. Despite new commitments and more work to do. You still showed me you care.

Thank you for all the mini outings we had. Last year @ MOS during some MTP day. Also during your Birthday last year too! I can go on and list many more occasions where you were part of it. Thank you so so so much.

Thank you so much for being such a blessing to me, You're just like a mommy to me 'cause you give up so much of your everything for me, and you make me feel so secure. (That's the reason why i bought you hugs carebear, in diapers. Its just like the one I have, but I've been just like that hugs bear - She's too accompany Snappie too!) Thank you for molding me, changing me, being there for me, teaching me, loving me despite all the additional trouble I give you, caring for me and allowing me to be me.

Honestly, I don't know what the future is going to be like. This may be the last few thankyou(s) that you'll probably read from me. I know you know what I want to do in the future -but I guess I never told you what Plan B or C is. Leaving my comfort zone is something difficult for me but if that's where I've to go, then there I'll be. Thus its just 43 days. This may be my last Teachers' Day. I want you to know, you are very special to me. And you would still be. I pray for you every time I do my devotion and I always always always always thank God for you.

Thank you for being such a blessing in my life. You changed the whole impression of what a Teacher is. You changed me, You coloured my life so much so that I miss you. I hope you enjoyed last year's TD & my gift & newspaper and this year's hugbear & report slip. Tashka loves you, veryveryvery much like how much a daddy loves his daughter. Thank you so very very very very much. You've seen Tashka grow up.

Every time I pray and think of you, this song rings through my mind. Its based on money but change the contexts this time to Teaching. At the end, you're doing this to glorify His Name as well.

Thank You For Giving To The Lord

I dreamed I went to Heaven, you were there with me.

We walked upon the streets of gold beside the Crystal Sea.

We heard the angels singing, then someone called your name.

You turned and saw this young man, and he was smiling as he came.

He said, "Friend you may not know me now," and then he said, "But wait -

You used to teach my Sunday School, when I was only eight.

And every week you would say a prayer before the class would start.

And one day when you said that prayer,

I asked Jesus in my heart."

Chorus

Thank you for giving to the Lord,
I am a life that was changed.
Thank you for giving to the Lord,
I am so glad you gave.

Then another man stood before you, he said "Remember the time,

A missionary came to your church, His pictures made you cry.

You didn't have much money but you gave it anyway.

Jesus took that gift you gave

And that's why I'm in Heaven today"

Chorus

Thank you for giving to the Lord,

I am a life that was changed.

Thank you for giving to the Lord,

I am so glad you gave.

One by one they came, far as your eyes could see.

Each life somehow touched by your generosity.

Little things that you had done, sacrifices that you made,

They were unnoticed on this earth

In Heaven now proclaimed.

Chorus

Thank you for giving to the Lord,

I am a life that was changed.

Thank you for giving to the Lord,

I am so glad you gave.

And I know up in Heaven you're not supposed to cry

But I am almost sure there were tears in your eyes

As Jesus took your hand and you stood before the Lord

He said "My child look around you,

Great is your reward."

Chorus

Thank you for giving to the Lord,

I am a life that was changed.

Thank you for giving to the Lord,

I am so glad you gave,

I am so glad you gave.

Thank you for giving to the Lord (sacrificing your life & time), I was a life that was changed. I'll continue to thank God for someone like you and hope Plan B doesn't make its way 'cause I DON'T want to lose you, ever.

Once again, Happy Teacher's Day! Tashka loves you.

Its 5 in the morning, I started writing at 4am.
Bed time after 53 hours.