#45 Five Things You Need To Know About Ms Amy!

FIVE THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MS AMY / MRS CHAN

1 – She started the Student Council in KCPSS!

So councillors its time to thank her if not we won't be having so much fun in it because it would not have existed without her. Thank you Ms Amy!

2 - She always smiles :)

Sometimes it's hard to figure out whether she's irritated with the class or whether she's happy - despite it being the last periods of the day

3 – She hardly/never gets angry but when she is, She really is!

We've only witnessed her angry once, in March 2008. She doesn't get angry often but when she is "hohoho. – beware!" But she's still as approachable.

4 – She's an extra ordinary teacher!

She has lessons after lessons, meetings& meetings&MOREmeetings , marking & more marking but she still has time to talk to her students and do unusual stuff!

5 – Her lessons are unusual

Totally! :) Maybe that's why we think Literature's fun and interesting! We go anywhere under the name of "Literature" to learn - from the classrooms to the Esplanade to Jubilee Hall to UK! Lessons in class's are one of the kind, with happy faces, food, fun & laughter, which class can be better than Ms Amy's Literature class?

--

Literature teacher,
You've really been an awesome one. I'm so blessed to have had you as my Literature teacher for 1.5 years. You might be physically "replaced" by another teacher but one thing's for sure, You'll still be that awesome literature teacher in my heart and nothing would "replace" that place that is always yours. :) Love you!

Tashka.

#44 The Cure

Picture this:
Theres a girl who was raised to believe that love is suffering
She grows up and the man like a father gives her a wedding ring
Now she walks around up constant companion, our resentment, fear and sadness
The lack of laughter turns to cancer, this song is dedicated to her

The worst disease in the world
Its not cancer, its not aids
The cure will not be found
By any physicist or scientist
Cause any cure living every single one of us
The worst disease in the world is hate
And the cure for hate is love
Oh love, oh love, oh love

Picture this:
Theres a boy who was abused when he was 12 years old
Now guilt lives in the pit of his stomach and even though hes grown
He believes he deserves to be punished, now he lives his life past and reckless
Searching for love, helpless, this song is dedicated to him

The worst disease in the world
Its not cancer, its not aids
The cure will not be found
By any physicist or scientist
Cause any cure living every single one of us
The worst disease in the world is hate
And the cure for hate is love
Oh love, oh love, oh love

It may seem
When Im looking at the world through those kind of glasses
I believe that its so simple but sometimes it looks complicated
Gods love is like sunshine not be recognized
The most powerful energy in the universe
And all we have to do is use it

You may think
That theres nothing in the world that you can do but that aint the truth
The fact of the matter is the battle world begins with you
Be the best person you can be
Pass those values to your family
And when you pray for those you love
Say a prayer for humanity

Here I'm again, writing about love and hate.

Which do you choose - love or hate?

#43 Over

Before I start with the rambling, I placed my achieves back. After all, blogging as become a place for me to pen down my thoughts all over again, and look back at the memories once in a while. I'm happy with this blog, I get to pen down my thoughts but not many would realise how i feel. I feel more protected here, I feel that I can express myself better here, I can be the real Tashka. All my drafts have been posted, thus the number scheme is all wrong. This is the 43rd post, but my number might not follow it because I had about 12 drafts written, just was a bit cautious about posting it, but I've released all of it now. So many posts that I might seem new in my achieves!

Secondly, Common Tests are over! It had been the most eventful CTs I'd say - it really tore me out, many times. It was really scary because I didn't find myself trying to move on but really stuck and just helpless, thus resulting in the sudden out pour of tears time and time again. I'm really sorry if I have been really temperamental and feeling mountain-ly to valleys to moodless to tears and the cycle reverses and repeats over and over again. I'm really sorry. I'm glad its over. Glad to say, I've moved on. Thanks to everyone for always helping me and also praying along with me and helping me to trust Him and allow Him to take care of the rest. Everyone - Sunshine, Dharishini, Mdm Choo, Mrs Lim, Sarah, Alex, Valerie, Sonja, Daniel, KeHui, Clarissa. I remember every hug and work spoken to me. And prayers too. It was a difficult time especially after English and the rest like how i couldn't bring myself to go and do the Biology paper. It was a tough time.

But everything changed, when I heard this from the ones that love me the most. And I always remember this because they were the ones that dried my tears with the hug and encouragements.

"Even if you get a zero or a hundred, We love you all the same. Daddy & Mama knows that you have done your best, so the results don't matter to us. We love you. "

And i choose to thank God for Daddy & Mama, and for bringing me through.
I love you, both.

#41 Wilderness

The feeling of giving up still lingers around me. Especially for Monday's papers. Would i let past repeat itself? Would I be able to say I did my best? Monday's not here yet, why am i worrying myself up? Its because, I don't want to do the Tamil paper. I don't want to end up crying after the paper. Why must I be the one treated differently from the rest? Why is it that everyone has been noticing my effort, except you? Why is it that you never accept me for who I am? I hate the fact that you're bias against me.

If Tamil's the problem for me then why do I love having Tamil tuition, and even have it 4 times a week, smiling and laughing my head off every lesson. Why if I see the word Tamil printed on the timetable, my heart skips beats as I enter the room. Why is it that I have to drag myself down to the first floor and sigh. Why do I have to shed tears once I reach the Tamil notice board, knowing that I've to face reality. Saying my last prayer that He'll see me through and that these 2 periods would be quick and not a spoiler. Just why! Why is there a change in my view of Tamil in school and from Tuition.

At the end of the day, I just need your encouragement. I just need to know that you see my effort, that I'll be able to make it. That I've been trying. Would that ever be possible? Would you give me a chance just for ONCE? Recently, everyone who talks about Tamil or class at school, I just breakdown. How long would I have to bottle everything up? I guess I'm just left with nothing to say. Some part of me wishes that I'll clear Tamil in June so that I'll never face him (or her) again. I need to leave secondary school, quick.

Daddy & Amma, thank you. I love you both as much too.

#40 The Climb

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

Sometimes its songs like these that would keep me going, then I ask myself, "How do i keep the faith?", "How do i not give up?" "How long have I got to endure?" The truth is, I feel like giving up. Or some would say, I've given up. I don't feel the need to keep 'running' around looking for answers. I'm after all a human, who needs tender loving care. That's why I've been so close to breaking point. Why would one cry over an exam paper? Why would I be so 'mind blocked' over and over again? I ask myself why too. Why haven't I be sleeping? Why am I bringing myself to this state?

Today, I got my answers. On my way to school, I prayed and broke down. I knew I wasn't helping myself by adding all the pressure of wanting to do well and consistency of work on myself. I knew that I've back slided in my walk with God (I'm sorry Aunty Jessica) and I've just not been myself. Why have I been crying so easily? Every night before its time to greet Sunshine goodnight, I reflect on the day and cry. Where have I gone wrong? Why does everyday seem to be a torturing one, a day where I jump from mountains to valleys? I always tell myself when I wake up, "Hey, its time you move on. Empty your thoughts because today would be a better day." But it hasn't. Not at all.

History has always been 'easy' because I used to score better in Social Studies but it hit me hard today that, NO! You are not strong in SS already! So what have I to rely on now? I had to face reality - I ain't going to do well. I have dragged not only myself but everyone who believed in me, down. The sense of defeat still lingers around me. I remember telling Mdm Choo, "I feel like I'm walking into battle 3/4s dead, only with an arm left." Honestly. That's how I felt. Tired and empty. That's probably why I've been crying so openly and often and I've been so open to hugs. I prayed this prayer this morning and I let go of all the previous papers that I've been holding onto especially with English & Maths & Chemistry. Well, everything! "Jesus, it is You that would see me through, it is You that would give me the strength to go on, it is You that I'll continue to cling onto. Be with me, let me be able to do this paper, and put a good fight. Let my results glorify no one but You." That was it.

The end shall come. Whether I choose to be in school on Wednesday doesn't really matter but I know whatever my results are, I have done my best. I might have not won the battle but I know, I've gave my best and all the sleep loss and appetite loss would be worth it in the end.

Thank you everyone for the encouragements and the hugs and really the love. Daddy's & Mommy's message and call wouldn't be replaced by any messages. Hearing them push me on always touches my heart. They truly love and care for me. And i do too, including everyone of you. As i leave this site, I'll like to say, "Don't lose hope till its gone, because miracles do happen!" And to those who have been keeping me in prayers either for my recovery or exams, thank you. (: I'll fight, this fight of Faith.

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
Deuteronomy 31:8 (New International Version)

#39 Happy Mothers' Day!

Every time I look at this pictures, I smile. :)

To the awesomest mom to earth,
thank you for your love
your care
your protection
for bringing us up with God
for always supporting us
for blessing us with everything we want and need
for being there for us,
for making sure we've everything.

For blessing us with a great and loving family,
I love you, very very much.
You know i love you a lot lot lot lot, and i know you do too.
Despite all the rubbish i give you.
;)

With love,
Your lovely daughter. :)

Happy Mothers' Day!

#38 Lost.

Looking at my title, I guess questions are already popping out. Is it normal to feel this way? Lost. A sense that something's amiss. I've honestly been struggling. Struggling to keep up with the amount of work that has to be done, struggling to receive acceptance and struggling, struggling to break free from the shell that I've been hiding in for awhile. Have I sounded the red alert to the people around me? I feel like just giving everything up. Have you wondered why I've been so sticky to the people that I'm close to? To what Sunshine calls it, Separation Anxiety. Why i suddenly want to stick to the ones I miss? Why i wanted to leave the workload aside and spend a few minutes with Superwoman?

Because I feel lost. I'm struggling. Struggling very hard to find out who is the real me. Sometimes I feel like I've got split personalities because I tend to behave differently at different times of the day. I'm a bottler. I just bottle and bottle everything up and when its really full I jump onto my pillow and cry everything out. Have I strayed away from the right direction that I should be heading? Why do i feel that wherever I am at now , I'm all alone. At the end of the day, I just want God's Will for my life. I've been running around in circles, looking for answers but haven't found any. I don't want to lose the past. I don't want to let go of it. Yet i feel I've been drifting away back into the shell that I once took the courage to come out from. I wouldn't say I'm ready for the world. Face it, I'm not. I'm still having difficulty looking someone in the eye telling them how I really feel. Why? Why the emptiness? Is something missing?

I'm turning back. Back into the shell I once came out from. Was taking the step of faith to come out ever the right choice? I'd enough of this World. This cruel and heartless World. I'm going to be hiding away from this evil and wicked world. Running away from the reality I just refuse to face. All i needed was love and acceptance.
I need my Superwoman, I need my Sunshine. Face it, I just need to empty that bottle in my heart, soon.

#37 <3

TI YING YNG

DHARISHINI

& all my superheros:

SUNSHINE
& SUPERWOMAN

Kind of miss them, especially best friend (Ying) & Dharishini. Think i should come up with a nickname for her too. I feel missed since bestfriend claims that her life's very empty without me and Dharishini claims she has been too bored with no entertainment. Okay, I do miss them too. I feel like I'm the battery that would start your engines, aw. Didn't know that, but its nice to hear that i mean so much to them.

Hee. I'll be back in school tomorrow. With a smile on my face. :)

Why?

Common Tests are days away, Yippie? Not at all. But i don't feel as stressed compared to previous exams even though this weighs a 100%. I know this time whatever the result I think I'll be pleased myself. I've never spent so much time on Tamil and on Maths. & i guess, consistent work does help. But. To a certain extent I'm worried about Biology & Social Studies.

Biology because it doesn't seem as fun as it used to be, and everything's way too fast for me to comprehend. And i hate practicals. And maybe you can say because of the change in environment. Oh well. I hope I'll be able to pick up the lost interest and do well in it, I really enjoyed Biology last year and I always wanted to do well in it.

Social Studies. I don't understand how I ever managed to do so well last year when I'm practically failing miserably this year. I don't know where I've gone wrong either. I miss, 08. You'll probably go, "What! It has been 6 months yet you can't accept the change?!" Not that _________ is bad, i wouldn't say that. In fact, she's nice. But i miss. Superwoman. Even though it has been, 6 months? I miss her company perhaps. When i read my history, I always laugh about how fascinating the lessons were, why has it become such a drag now? Why. Why. Why.

I guess I'll never know.