To Face Fear But Not Fear

SEVEN.

& when I thought I couldn't bear it anymore and broke down,
You gave me the courage and strength to pick myself up and continue walking.

NINE.

It'll be over, soon.
Tashka, persevere.

#60 Empty

And I banished every memory you and I had ever made
But it's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me now

Love & Misses Through The Emptiness...

I smiled when I saw this picture.
But, deep down my heart sanked.
Just, Why?

#57 You CAN Do It!

The 'O' levels Tamil is officially over. Does that call for a phew? It is really amazing to see myself making it through the "Tamil season" well and here I am going to pen down very single experience from the beginning to the end. It might be long but this journey had been an amazing one and it would pointless if I leave this experience in me without sharing about it as it may be encouraging to those who are still striving and wanting to do their bests. The results aren't out yet. I might get an F9 or an A1 but what I know is that I've done my best and I'm trusting God for the rest. I might have to re take the paper again to achieve a better great but this journey that I walked through would be an unforgettable one especially a girl like me who doesn't come from a Tamil speaking home.

The written paper was on the 1st of June 2009. I was prepared. Prepared just to do my best. I honestly don't know how I would fare. Questions like, "Tashka, you've walked this 6 months trying and falling so many times, you are just 4 hours away from the end point, are you going to sprint?" or "What happens if I can't answer the questions properly?" , "What happens if I can't comprehend or understand what the question is asking for?" Everything was standing still for that moment as I froze in shock realising that it is time to just "show off" everything I know about this, somewhat, "foreign language" to me. The writing paper went relatively well. Ideas kept flowing and I didn't have much difficulty translating them into the script. Tamil proverbs came into my mind, so did mini poems that were taught to me, back in Secondary 1. It suddenly just flashed through my mind as I recounted a person experience. I left the hall feeling satisfied, it was definitely God who guided me through this. Normally in fear, I'll won't remember something that happened a minute ago but this time. I remembered something that happened 4 years ago. I was filled with Peace knowing that He has guided me through this.

During the Paper 2, things were a little different. But I will give thanks all the same because I comprehended well, I was able to write, I was able to understand even though it was challenging, the fire in me didn't just die off. I walked out of the cold hall, knowing I made it because of Him. He held my hand, He gave me the ideas, He gave me the peace, He took away all my fear, and He enabled me to concentrate. HIM.

Many would agree with me that my 6 months journey with Tamil wasn't an easy one. Come to think of it, ever since Secondary 3 it never was smooth sailing. From the fear of walking into "death-zone" to keeping the faith that one day when I open the door to step into class I would see Mr. Kassim. To me, He was the best motivator; he didn't give up despite my hopelessness. He always encouraged me and that I can make it. " Tashka, if you don't change your mind set, then you won't be able to do it. Tashka, change your mind set, you can do it, and I assure you." He said this to me back in 2006. Three years have passed, but I can remember every conversation he had with me. Inspiring and motivating me. And when I placed my best foot forward 3 years ago, things changed. I remember him announcing publicly to the class my achievement of B3 for HTL when I don't come from a Tamil background and how the rest should be ashamed because I did it but they did not due to their laziness and can't be bothered attitude. I remember everything about him so clearly that when parting came in 2007 and adjusting to a whole new teacher. That became difficult. I needed encouragement but I didn't always receive it. It was hard to comprehend why things with Tamil were sliding the wrong direction after he left. It was hard to not giving up by looking at the circumstances. It just wasn't a bed of roses anymore.

March 17 2008, I decided I had to make a difference. Tamil is in my hands. And the results are going to be MINE. But if I chose to look at the circumstances and just give it up, if that F9 appears will I be able to say, I tried my best and If that's my best then I'll be fine with it. But, what if that result appears because I just gave the whole subject up? Deep down, I'll live with the regret. The regret knowing that I COULD have done better but I didn't bother trying. Honestly, I didn't want to regret. Things were not smooth sailing in the 6 months before either. I was still weak but didn't know how to help myself because I was afraid to try and fall. I fell. Not only once. Countless times. I didn't enjoy the surroundings. I wondered why people didn't see me trying. I didn't want to be a failure. Falling isn't great. But what was worst was picking yourself up when you fall. I fell many times but I was too afraid to ask for help from anyone. I hid back into my shell. Most times, I would complain but I made sure I never showed how I truly felt. I bottled everything up, afraid to show the world. I didn't believe in myself. Neither did anyone else.

Today, every paper's over. Paper 1, 2 the Oral and the Listening. My whole perspective of Tamil changed after I had my Oral. In the Tamil language, what I feared most was speaking. I come from a home where English is the main language and I'm the only child who does a Mother Tongue. That's my background. Thus, the struggle. Reading was perfectly fine for me but conversation kills me. I can never complete a sentence in Tamil. It's always mixed with English and at the same time, "broken Tamil". People tease it, people laugh at it all the same. On the 7th of July I was going to face the biggest hurdle – The Oral. Days before the oral has I heard the topics that were questioned, I felt challenged and super afraid. Day 1 was on tattoos. Day 2 was on the creator of Tamil proverbs and I was facing day 3's. What would it be? How if this? How if that? HOW IF.

Philippians 4:6-7
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

As my turn approached I said my "last" silent prayer. Many strange things happened. When I first saw the examiners I was, "Uhoh. They're really Indians." Sounds stupid but I expected them to be bilingual but trust me, they weren't. That would actually serve as a disadvantage for someone like me. But no. It wasn't. I handed them my IC and they pointed over to Mr. Marican English oral that side (thinking I've gone to the wrong place?) because it said, Eurasian. Why on earth did that happen when they would have my name right? Strange. So I begin to read and one of the examiners were still fascinated with my IC but when I began to read it looked at me and went, "Ahhhha (in a soothing way)" and I was totally stunned for a moment. As I went on, I realised he no longer placed his hands on his chin but was pretty stunned by this "foreign girl" reading this thing like an Indian. When conversation time came, for the first time in the entire 15 years of my life, I spoke Tamil with only TWO English words and with 2 TAMIL proverbs. I spoke for the entire 12 minutes that I was asked to stop so that he could question me the next question. And went I spoke the proverb, the friendlier examiner, "Ooooooo uhhuh" That was the exact reaction. That totally made the day.

I left the hall knowing that WAS MY BEST. I've no regrets. Nothing at all. And I conquered Tamil by God's grace. It was HIM who brought me through, who guided me, who calmed me who made me able to interact for 12 minutes straight with just 2 words, "gym" and "generation." It was God's hands through everything. From my Paper 1 all the way to the Listening Comprehension, God saw me through. He was ever so faithful. He helped me fight this whole battle. I don't know who would be the ultimate winner but I know I did my best. And even if it's an A1 or an F9, I'll glorify Him because He brought me through and showed me how faithful He is. I have no regrets.

So why am I penning this 3 page long essay? I want this to be a form of encouragement to anyone who might happen to read this. The whole world might discourage you, might think you are hopeless but if YOU believe in yourself, half the battle is won. It wouldn't be easy. Sometimes it wouldn't be fair. You'll face even more challenges compared to the people around you or the surroundings might be different but with God anything IS possible. It might be torturous but with a positive mindset you'll be able to conquer anything! Just persevere and you would know that whatever the outcome, you've placed your best foot forward.

My greatest hurdle was Tamil. But here I am today, having crossed the hurdle with no regrets. All it took was perseverance, faith and to believe in yourself. My Daddy God's so awesome, it is because of Him that I'm able to testify about His faithfulness upon my life and how blessed I am because of Him. Have faith and Trust in Him cause nothing is impossible with Him!

Daddy God, I love you.

#56 If.

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it

#56 God Is...

DADDY GOD, YOU'RE AWESOME.

I'm left speechless. Left in awe of You and how AWESOME you've been in my life. I was afraid, You assured me peace. I was tired, You gave me strength. I was alone, You sent people to be there and comfort me. I can't believe I've made it through. I'm proud of myself. I comprehended the question well, I spoke my best and I'm sure they were impressed by that smile, by that head nod, by the wow that they said when I used the proverb. That was me! Someone I never imagined myself speaking to an examiner in my "foreign" language, making them smile. It was just God. How much i panicked hearing previous days' topics. Because if they were mine, I'll be hopeless. But this was just God showing me how faithful He is to me as long as I trust Him. The reason was me being able to speak well enough, using proverbs were all by God's grace.

Jesus, You're awesome! And all glory goes to you. Whatever the result, I'll be happy because I know I did my best and God saw me through. I can never believe how i've back sliden in my devotion life, how i neglected Him in my happy moments. But He's still ever faithful. Thank you, Jesus. I love you. I'm sorry for neglecting you so often. I really don't deserve Your love, kindness and faithfulness at all, but you still shower me your blessings. You're just awesome. Beyond descriptions.

I'm coming back. I'm coming back to the heart of Worship.

#55 Love & Forgiveness

"Where we love is home, home that our feet may leave,
but not our hearts."
-Oliver Wendell Holmes

I happened to just watch all the patronas adverts. However weird this may sound - they do touch your heart and cause you to reflect. Resulting - this blog entry. Love and Forgiveness is all part and parcel of life. But, what does love actually mean to you? Is it just saying "I love you" just to make the person happy or do you sincerely mean those 3 words? Forgiveness - What do I call forgiveness? How do i forgive? Why do I need to forgive? These are some burning question I'd like answers for. But to some point, I realised I don't need answers to them anymore. I don't need to know how to love or why I must say, "I love you" because at the end of the day, there are many things I don't see with my own eyes. They're done out of humanly love. And I've learnt to appreciate them.

Appreciation. As long as you love, forgiveness would come just as naturally. The people that play the biggest part in life are, Parents. No one can actually imagine how much they love you. No matter what you've done, they're willing to call you their child. They still accept you, they still love you. Just like in the Deepavali video, parents put others before themselves. "I carry the light my son, for OTHERS to see." They're not self-centred people, even though they're humans themselves. And I'm priceless in their eyes. Just like the no charge video - "Raising you up, no charge."

Personally, they're many, MANY times where I wondered why they even love & care for me. Why they bother to buy things I want and not need when I hardly do anything to glorify them. I wonder why they forgive me so easily and accept me for who I'm. I wonder why they're such understanding parents. I wonder why they make life so much easier for me. I wonder why they give me so much freedom. I wonder why they're so nice to me. I wonder why they don't push me. There are many times where I've neglected them, where I've got upset with them. There were times when I felt like a failure because I never seemed to glorify them.

But, they still love me, unconditionally. They don't scold me for not getting that A or not making the cut. They've allowed me to be myself. I'm 16. Yet, I feel that I'm drifting closer and closer to them. Ly on the sofa and play, laugh crazily at the random actions. There's just so many things they've done that I feel so accepted and loved despite my flaws. Despite how negatively sometimes I treat them. Despite the rubbish I gave them.

They love me. I don't want to say, I love you back just because I know they love me so I should make them happy. Neither do I want to wait for something tragic to happen before I say " I'm sorry" or "I love you", (Just like one of the Forgiving videos), but I sincerely mean it. I love them so much. Honestly, no one would accept you and be that frank to you accept the people at home. Where despite long distances, the hearts stay united.

My parents might not be ever present in my life because of work commitments. They might be long distances away but what amazes me is that I'm someone so important to them for them to come running to help when there's something wrong. I appreciate them. I appreciate them for loving me. For forgiving me. I'm priceless in their eyes. I'm flawless.

Thank you daddy & amma for being the ideal parents for me. For being my role models. For always reminding me that you both love me, that results doesn't matter as long as I've tried my best. That God's the first in everything. Thank you for accepting me, despite my flaws and for loving me all the same. I'm sorry for sometimes giving you uncalled for rubbish, for neglecting you, for disturbing the long schedules. I love you DaddyGod, I love you, daddy and I love you, Amma.

Never believe a teenager saying : I'm a teen. Parents - Yuck. Parents don't understand. Parents only say i love you. Eee. SO big already, hold my hand outside, hug me.

Because you'll never know when another teenager's looking for that kind of love. I'm a teen myself, I say i love you to my parents, they do too, I hold their hands even when we're out, I hug & kiss them. I do everything - just like how a toddler would do.

Parents' love never fade, despite circumstances. They love us, unconditionally.

But, are you ready? Are you ready to appreciate them? Are you ready to thank them and to ask for forgiveness yourself? Are you ready to be that toddler in their eyes? This decision, lies with you.

#54 Face It;

I miss the past,
I miss how things used to be,
I miss the fun,
I miss the laughter,
I miss your lessons,
I miss your voice,
I miss your presence,
I miss how easily I could go up to you & smile,
I miss playing,
talking,
& knowing that you'll always be guiding and there for me,

I miss you.
If only.